So far, I’m only through the first chapter and all of my thoughts have pretty much been summed up already by this lovely gent, Alex. Enjoy.

The thing is…I don’t get it. As teen fantasies go, Edward Cullen is just so lame. I mean, Robert Pattison is certainly cute, but Edward Cullen the character is just such a jagweed. He’s bossy, whiney, manipulative, suicidal and boring. He and Bella (who is an even douch-ier character) do little more than stare at each other with the distinct look of impending diarrhea on their faces. Neither of them are particularly nice or smart or interesting in any way – and yet – this afternoon I found myself at the theatre watching New Moon and despite all the shushing, laughing my ass off.

Full disclosure – I’ve never read the books. I tried once, but found myself getting increasingly annoyed that I didn’t think to change the object of my early college diaries into a vampire , so I could publish them unedited and make a gozillion dollars.

About half-way through the movie – sometime between Angie’s crack about Daddy Cullen looking just like Joseph Smith and me finishing Edwards part for him:

Edward to Bella: I don’t want you to come.

Me: Literally!

Ba-dum-bum!

-the two GROWN MEN in front of us got up and moved, the angrier of the two saying, “Well, I didn’t know this was a comedy.”

I felt bad for about a second. I mean, I HATE people that ruin my movie-going experience, but really dude? You’re watching a movie in which a vampire’s floating head dispenses advice to the INSANE, fatal attraction-like heroine. A FLOATING HEAD. Even if you love Twilight, you have to admit that’s kind of funny. Right? I mean, am I right?