Lateshoes

Day 1 of round 3 of ….the South Beach diet. (Laugh and I cut you)

So, yes – I’ve done the SB thing before, both times with decent enough results. 1st time: before the wedding I lost 20 lbs. All gained back and then-some during my first two years of marriage and homeownership, which, (tee-hee) led directly to attempt #2 last year. I lost 30 lbs overall and only gained 6 back…and that was after Christmas so it barely even counts, right? Right.

Anyhoo, in tribute to my Floridian heritage, here I am again. I figure if I can do the same this time (lose 30, keep 24 off)…and then do the same thing again for then next, oh – 5 years, I should be just about skinny. Not that I care or even want to be “skinny,” but you know what I mean. Healthier. In five years I’ll be “flirting with 40,” so I really should start TCB while I’m still spry. I can’t believe I just typed any of that.

So, where was I? Oh yeah, Day 1 is complete and it wasn’t so bad. I went grocery shopping and got a lot of great ingredients and yummy stuff, so I think it will be pretty harmless. Until someone bakes brownies or shoves pie in my face or worse – sweet potatoe fries – (GAH!), but I’ll cross that cliche when I get to it.

The Wire

Positive spin: Lars and I are finally caught up with the current season. We watched 5 episodes in a row last night alone – (It’s like crack, what do you want from me?)

Negative spin: Omar?! Really? But, I… but… really?

Driving

Positive spin: Having my own car is totally convenient.

Negative spin: Speed traps at the bottom of a big hill and the $82 ticket I just paid – they suck my balls.

Work

Positive spin: Best job I’ve ever had.

Negative spin: “Content Management” sucks my balls.

Diets

Positive spin: It’s really not that bad and I’m actually losing some blubb.

Negative spin: I would take a human life for an éclairs from The Bakery.

New TV

Positive spin: Basically this tv is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever owned.

Negative spin: Post upgrade, my Tivo won’t talk to my HD cable box…and basically a life without Tivo is not a life worth living. (At least once you’ve gotten used to it).

Positive spin 2: Melissa is going to come over tonight to work some of her super-electronic-magician voo doo on that shit. She’ll make them talk, yes, she will.

I’ve eaten more Sugar-free Jello in the past week than any sort of regular Jello in like my whole life – and what I’ve decided is this: horse hooves or no – it has become my own personal Southbeachized Ambrosia.

I don’t mind skipping french fries or saying, “no thanks” when good friends offer me baklava– so long as my trusty Cherry Jello will be waiting for me at home.

Luckily this is not my only dietary delight – Last night I made a creamy ricotta/vanilla “thing” that was almost like melted ice cream. So there.

I’ve finally reached the phase of determination where, despite all obstacles I’m sticking to the this stupid thing.

For example: I had lunch with my boss and co-worker at the University cafeteria. I didn’t anticipate there being much of a problem…because – hello! it’s a smörgåsbords! I mean, surely there has to be something I can eat.

Hm. How about vegetable soup, I thought. But, the committed, little food fascist that I am decided to read the nutritional information posted above the caldron. 45g of carbs per serving…and…and High Fructose Corn Syrup. IN SOUP. In vegetable soup…at a college. Moms and dads – they’re poisoning your children here.

So, no soup. Hm. Hm.

I started to get kind of embarrassed at how long it was taking me to find something suitable…ya know, you can only act so jumpy and finicky before people start asking questions and then…dread of all dreads you might have to explain yourself and say, “Oh, yeah – I’m on a diiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeetttttttt.” And your face would go all red and they’d be embarrassed and feel the need to say something like, “Oh, really? Well…” because they don’t want to say you don’t actually need one, because you do…so they’d panic more and try to make conversation about all of the diets they’ve ever been on and then you’d freak out because you know you’re a fatty and they know you’re a fatty and you’d know that they know you’re a fatty and now you’re discussing it…like, in public and GAH!

So anyway, I went through my mental checklist at lightening speed: Sandwich? No. Wrap? No. Donut? No. Chinese food? No. Salad? Eh.

I finally grabbed a pre-packaged chicken Ceasar salad, some oil & vinegar, a spoonful of cottage cheese and a bottle of water. Schwoo. Food crisis averted.

You guys, it would not be an exaggeration to tell you I was sweating my lady balls off during the whole ordeal. The mental energy it takes to not eat a garbage dump worth of shit is so much more taxing than most realize.