1. Watch as many seasons of Dallas as possible. This clip should explain why.

2. Set some boundaries at work. 2010 was a bit of a whirlwind of opportunities (on one hand) and shit sandwich (on the other). I take pride in my work and in doing a good job, but last year I took it too far – working too many late nights and vacations, for pretty much nothing in return. Extra work/ stress without compensation will not be happening in 2011. Any catalog/ website emergencies not occurring Monday – Friday between 9am and 5pm will be deferred to the, “I’m sorry, I’m watching Dallas right now” department.

3. Hobble a good sewing-type person (i.e. Misery) until they agree to make or help me make a chubby girl replica of a 1950s/60s chiffon party dress to wear to Tawnya’s wedding.

Seriously. I needs it.

4. #3 brings me to #4 – Work on the chub and by that I mean – make healthier eating choices, drink more water and exercise. An extra bonus would be not feeling like a fatso whale at Tawnya’s wedding, but I mean – I’m doing it for my health and stuff. No really. I’m not going to put a number on it, but I would like to lose some amount of “the weight” and see what that’s like for a bit. There~ I said it. Are you happy now?

5. Spend an afternoon or evening or whatever replicating the Black Swan makeup.I may also need to make a crown.

6. Fucking curse less. This one is going to be more difficult than hobbling someone.

7. Finally get around to remodeling our two back bedrooms…maybe in the summer. The middle room at least shouldn’t be terrible – just floors and paint, but the back room is making me feel queasy. It was a late addition to the house and I’m pretty sure it was built out of popsicle sticks and spit balls.

8. Spend more time this year developing my visual arts skills; painting, digital design work etc…

9. Play music again.

10. Go on a real, non-stressful, lay about next to water drinking margaritas type vacation with Lars.

For the more high-brow, I’d say I rank about a 5 on the Toni Morrison, Dorothy Allison Abuse and Abandonment O’meter (TM).

Over the years I’ve dealt with my shit, mostly through avoidance and the distinct understanding that I’m not alone or special in feeling wronged, pained, angry, sad, hurt…whatever.

This coping technique has served me well and made me, I think much more empathetic than most. I value that I haven’t let past wrongs keep me down. I feel brave and strong for moving on.

BUT – sometimes sucky things happen that I’m not prepared to deal with or psychologically analyze. Sometimes things happen and all I can do is wallow.

Luckily for my loved ones, I do my best wallowing alone, during insomniac hours like now when I can’t seem to just close the damn laptop and STOP THINKING.

During the day I’m totally fine. I can laugh and joke and plan and work and stress about work. When early evening hits I can play with my dogs, cook dinner, laugh and talk with Lars and watch t.v. I can be happy. But, when it’s time to put my head on the pillow every shitty thought, every insecurity, every worry comes spilling out and I just can’t make it stop until I’m so exhausted that my eyes collapse shut.

It sucks and it’s been happening for a little over a month now. Part of me wants to go all Judy Garland and start chugging Tylenol PMs like NERDS….mmmmm NERDS.

I think for now I’ll just listen to E.L.O. instead, because who the fuck can be sad listening to Telephone Line?

or looking at Jeff Lynn’s get up?

So, I got thinking. What do I love right now? Well, oh so many things, dear reader(s). Let me tell you.

1. Wake up and get real with Justine Bateman & Kelly Cutrone

Kick ass. Kick ass. Kick ass. I’m thinking of copying this format – how grossed out would you be if I made some vlogs?

2. Makeup tutorials by Pixiwoo

Two gorgeous English sisters and professional make-up artists who taught me how to master the illusive “winged-eye.” They have lots of basic tutorials as well as super-cool, arty, high-concept stuff and celebrity copycat tricks a’la Edie Sedgwick and Marla Singer from Fight Club. Sigh. Love.

3. Treme – David Simon’s new show on HBO set in post-Katrina New Orleans. At first, I honestly wasn’t sure what I thought. There are a million characters and lots of great music, but the plot is so organic and subtle, it was slightly hard to engage at first. But, the beauty of Simon’s storytelling style is that he really allows you to get to know and love each character and the plot just sort of unfolds without you even noticing. I’ve said this about The Wire and Homicide – but, watching Treme is like literature for your television. Uh-mazing.

4. Grits. Cheese Grits. Jalepeno Cheese Grits.

Preferably served with fried okra or fried green tomatoes.

5. Suave’s Aveda rip off shampoo. Hello, lover. I’ve been spending 40 bucks on shampoo for the past 3 years and then suddenly you come along and I can spend $4!!! I was sure it would suck, but it totally doesn’t. Woo to the hoo for thriftin’ n’ shit.

6. Travel. Even though all of my work-related trips were exhausting, I’m completely excited about keeping up the jet-setting ways. Current trips in the works:

*Disneyland road trip with Shannon and her mama in October.

*D.C. and Baltimore with Lars, Tawnya, Angie & Greg to visit Jimi & Karin for Thanksgiving.

*Hopefully Boston and maybe Chicago again for work.

7. Singing in the shower. I’ve finally stuck our superfluous iPod in the bathroom and have been giving concerts to my toilet for the last few weeks. I do a really mean rendition of Elvis Costello’s Just About Glad.

Well, I’m just about glad that I knew you once, it was more than just a passing acquaintance | Well, I’m just about glad it was a memory that doesn’t need constant maintenance |  There are a few things that I regret, but nothing that I need to forget  | I’m the greatest lover that you never had, I’m just about glad…..

8. Painting. Mostly I’m just loving that in my head right now. But, when i get back to it, I’ll share some stuff.

9. Not getting cancer because I’ve got allergies up the pooper. Not literal allergies in my pooper, but you know? up the ying-yang, the wazoo, etc…

10. Fantasizing about not being in debt. Siiiiiiiighhhhh…. it’s like the emotional, grown up version of sticking your fingers in your ears and singing, “la la la la la la la la” really loud.

* A really rich and lovely couple take an interest in me and decide I can’t possibly live happily with all these student loans and house payments and gift me 200 grand.

* Someone reads the parts of this blog that were actually noteworthy and gives me a book deal.

* Someone sees one of my abstract paintings and decides that I’m the next Rothko or Pollock and pays up the already noted wazoo and I’m commissioned by rich benefactors everywhere.

*I find a briefcase full of money. This one is risky because I’ve seen enough movies to know there are always strings attached to such finds. See A Simple Plan.

* Nicholas Cage meets me and decides he wants to split his lottery winnings with me. See It Could Happen to You.

It could happen….. to ME.

]]> http://lateshoes.com/2010/05/i-like-some-things-a-lot-and-you-might-like-them-too-la-la-doo/feed/ 5 http://lateshoes.com/2010/04/in-places-like-chicago-and-new-york-part-1/ http://lateshoes.com/2010/04/in-places-like-chicago-and-new-york-part-1/#comments Wed, 21 Apr 2010 04:56:52 +0000 Tracy http://lateshoes.com/?p=2417 I am so in love with Chicago.

I spent 4 wonderfully hurried nights, wandering its streets, exploring its landscape and loving it like a person. The buildings, the art, the train, the music, the people – all make my heart burst just a little bit.

All pictures were taken with my iPhone, Peggy. *Click on “Show Info” to see my captions and comments.

Chicago’s public restrooms are obsessed with robot toilets.

Inside the Amazing Chicago Funhouse

I’m completely in love with the “L.” The obnoxious voice you here can be seen in the slideshow above. He’s the guy wearing sunglasses on the train…at night.

Outside of the Art Institute of Chicago.

In other scary tech news – We got Lars a cheapy, cheapo netbook to take to India. We were both feeling a certain amount of stress about taking his heavy (and pricey) Macbook, so getting an extremely cheap (have I conveyed how cheap it was yet?) little (and I mean really little) pc seemed like the way to go.
The only real problem – frakking Windows. I totally understand that I’m Mac nerd/ snob…whatever, but you guys – Macs are just sooooooooooo much easier to use. AND they never get viruses. Anyway – after two days of dealing with Windows (ugh – the hair pulling) – we decided to install Linux. More specifically Ubuntu remix for Netbooks.
We installed last night (very easy) and according to Lars there are only a few glitches. Luckily I work with an Ubuntu guru who knows exactly what to do. (Only one of the perks of working in IT)
It’s a brave new tech-nerd world for the Medleys this week.
Now if I could only break out of my Spring Fever crazies.
At least I can take my laptop outside.

Crazy in love (Beyonce cover) – Antony & the Johnsons

I’m on Fire (Bruce Springsteen cover) – Bat for Lashes

Heroes (David Bowie cover) – Magnetic Fields

Toxic (Britney cover) – Mark Ronson featuring Ol’ Dirty Bastard & Tiggers

Kookies (sample of “Funky Chimes” from Sesame Street) – MF Doom

Everyday is like Sunday (Morrissey cover) – Colin Meloy

Human Behavior (Bjork cover) – The Decemberists

If this is it (Huey Lewis & the News cover) – Throw me the Statue

The Biggest Lie (Elliott Smith cover) – Dolorean

Where is my mind? (Pixies cover) – Emmy the Great

The Book of Love (Magnetic Fields cover) – Rose Polenzani & Rose Cousins

You can call me Al (Paul Simon cover) – Jens Lekman

The Origin of Love (Hedwig cover) – Rufus Wainwright

Instant Karma (John Lennon cover) – Of Montreal

Ha! I laughed because I’m a “libnut.” Ohhh, remember the good ol’ days when they got to scream “Love it or Leave it!” to us?

Suck it, extremist douchebags. Your time of bending over and taking a joke has come.

It’s the name of a Chubby Bunny song written for Tawnya’s dad’s wedding and I think it has just enough adorableness to be appealing, but not make people puke.

Angie will most likely be selling her AMAZING handmade bags and if we’re lucky…her clothing designs and earrings as well.

I’ll be doing graphic design work (web stuff, print stuff, branding etc…) as well as selling some of my goofy original artwork. Yarrrrr!

kids don’t know shit – Islands

Ceremony – New Order

I was born (a unicorn) – The Unicorns

Money babies – The Dears

We are all made of stone – Dance Yourself to Death

Valerie Plame – The Decemberists

20th Century Boy – T Rex

Handle With Care – Jenny Lewis & The Watson Twins

Carol Brown – Flight of the Conchords

The Transfiguration – Sufjan Stevens

Nothing to fear – White Shoes and the Couples Company

Shit, damn, motherfucker – D’Angelo

Up the Down Escalator – The Chameleons

Bull in the heather (Sonic Youth cover) – The Go! Team

I don’t mind – Slumber Party

Give it.

Please don’t vomit, Gabriel
and don’t forget your hat
Albert will be along soon
to put a bullet in your head
Please don’t kill John, Gabirel
he can’t be all that bad and
even though he double-crossed
you
he says he won’t come back
“Please,” he says, “Have a heart”
you smile and say, “What heart?”
and Bang!
He’s dead.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I looooooooooooove Sublime Stitching to the max.

The problem is that I’m one of “those” people. I become extremely uncomfortable whenever I’m called upon to “toot my own horn,” as they say – so even the idea of making a store and presuming that anyone would want to pay me money for something I made, is completely off the charts for me.

That said – I’m doing that shit. I have to. I love my job, but the money, it just isn’t cutting it. Oh, lordy how it isn’t cutting it.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately (“I’m tryin’ ta’ think, but nuthin’ happens”) about getting older and how I have heretofor been unwilling to deal with, handle, admit the fact that yes, I too am aging. *GASP*

My grand illusion of pigtails and teen-style came crashing down yesterday when I caught a bit of a new infomercial for Heidi Klum’s new skin care line, “In an Instant.” I watched at least 40 minutes before realizing, whoa! I just spend 40 minutes of my life watching an infomercial. It took much less time to sell me on the product; a finely tuned scientific wonder that INSTANTLY “erases” your wrinkles!! Magic, I thought – I mean, if Heidi Klum says so, it must be true, right? She’s so smiley and trustworthy and GORGEOUS. Surely she wouldn’t lie to me…and who in their right mind wouldn’t want to look (even just a little) like Heidi?

I swear on my life, if I had $40 in my bank account, I would have spent it all on this magical snake oil. That’s how hooked I was.

Then it hit me – I care about the tiny lines developing around my eyes – I’m worried about looking, becoming older. It’s probably stupid that I’m so shocked, but the thing is, I never thought I’d care. I’ve always admired older women who shunned plastic surgery and grew old, gracefully, beautifuly, but for some reason when it comes to myself, I just can’t see it. I feel like I’m going to go from youngish looking to 90 in 24 hours.

Ca-razy. I get it. I know.

P.S. When I tried to add tags to this post if kept trying to force me to choose, “vagina.” So – VAGINA!!

Anyway, I dont’ want to burden you with all my hocky-pucky (as my friend Lisa would say).

The real reason I’m blogging is that I need your help, dear readers. – I’m going to start an Etsy shop, featuring some design and art work, but I’ve been staring at my cursor for over an hour on the “name of your store” field.

Help?! I mean, I could uncreatively just use Lateshoes again, but is that totally weird? Am I just totally weird? Help!

Too tired to type out my thoughts about these videos. I hope this will suffice: each of these bands/ ladies got me through my twenties and helped me to be brave in some way or another.
I kind of miss the “grrl style” revolution. I have to say.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AejCTVX9nbc]

Ahhhh, God bless the fan video montage.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ceegnWSENQ]

Watch more at Current.com

1. Get a part-time job in a store or coffee shop? XXX {sound of Family Feud, “You’re effing wrong!” buzzer}

2. Yard Sale? Sure, maybe – I do have clean out our back room and closet, like big time.

3. Hookering? Eh, too gross/dangerous.

4. Plastic bottle collecting? Eh, the the bird-caller guy and the lady with the rice hat have already cornered our neighborhood market.

5. Freelance design work? Hmmm. I’ve been thinking about this for awhile; making cards, invitations, blog headers, web stuff, whatnot, just to have a little change to jingle in my pocket. Couldn’t hurt, plus it would help me practice and build up a, uhh, what’d they call it? A porfolio er somethin’.

So, yeah – if you or anyone you know would need such things and wouldn’t mind throwing a pittance my way – hook me up, yo! (I’m also down for trading stuff too).

In building up my arsenal I’ve acquired a massive, mega crap load of new fonts and brushes, which brings me to the title of this post, Font Crushin’. I’ve found some real gems lately. Here are some of my faves:

They’ve created a donation website, but it’s more than that – see – Anita and Kevin (mom and dad) also happen to be incredibly talented photographers and artists…and they’re selling some great work on the site to help out.

If you have a second and maybe a little extra cash (any bit will help) – please check out their site and donate if you can.
Schley Family Website
Look how cute they are!

Yue Yu

I’m an INFP and here’s what the internets had to say:

Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal development, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal problems. Not usually visible leaders, Counselors prefer to work intensely with those close to them, especially on a one-to-one basis, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes.

Counselors are scarce, little more than one percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. They understand and use human systems creatively, and are good at consulting and cooperating with others. As employees or employers, Counselors are concerned with people’s feelings and are able to act as a barometer of the feelings within the organization.

Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-both written and spoken-is usually directed toward communicating with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another’s emotions or intentions – good or evil – even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others’ feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor’s remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena.

Mohandas Gandhi, Sidney Poitier, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jane Goodall, Emily Bronte, Sir Alec Guiness, Carl Jung, Mary Baker Eddy, Queen Noor are examples of the Counselor Idealist (INFJ).

Creeeeeeepy.

Please note the bulging, red blood vessels in my eyeballs – I love Mondays.

*Side note – I’m sitting in the University Union, waiting for a meeting and some guy just rolled up, talking, nay, SHOUTING on his cell phone.

Loud guy: It’s BULLSHIT!…. I don’t know, it’s BULLSHIT! …..No that’s not why I called….. I just wanted to tell you about Chris’ shit….. I know, BULLSHIT, right? FUCKING BULLSHIT!…..okay, bye.

]]> http://lateshoes.com/2009/03/wtf-2/feed/ 0 http://lateshoes.com/2009/03/tv-makes-it-all-better/ http://lateshoes.com/2009/03/tv-makes-it-all-better/#comments Thu, 26 Mar 2009 05:01:00 +0000 Tracy http://lateshoes.wordpress.com/?p=1584 So, as most of you know Battlestar Galactica recently ended, leaving a battlestar-sized hole in my little, ol’ heart.

Luckily, Netflix, Hulu and my DVR love me and want me to live.

Lars has been trying to get me to watch Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles for a while now and last week I finally gave in.

I’m sooo happy I did. I flippin’ LOVE it. Like pulsing hearts and passing notes love. I know it’s hard to imagine, but Brian Austin Green kicks so much ass. No, really. He kicks so much ass, I’m totally crushing on him again like it’s 1991.

Watch it from the beginning or it will make no kinds of sense. Netflix season 1 and watch Season 2 on Fox.com

Robots – Flight of the Conchords

My Little Machine – The Thermals

And then – there’s Dollhouse, Joss Whedon’s new show. I’ll admit, it started slow, but I’m on board and last week’s episode proved that the show definitely has promise. Oh who am I kidding? Tahmoh Penikett walks around and says stuff…and that’s enough for me.

Watch all the episodes so far on Fox.com or Hulu

Shabby Doll – Elvis Costello

My night with the Prostitute from Marseille – Beirut

I’ve listened to “You are what you love” on repeat for at least three hours now – so I guess that means I’m crushing, right?

You are what you love – Jenny Lewis & The Watson Twins

I already have an enormous list, but if you have a favorite app or 10, hit me up. I’d love to hear about your faves.

See my current list after the jump.

1. Pandora

2. Midomi

3. Remote

4. Yelp

5. Urban Spoon

6. ShoZu

7. WritingPad

8. Stanza

9. Jott

10. Google Map

11. Netflix

12. Instapaper

13. Facebook

14. Flickr

15. Easywriter

16. Google mobile

17. Wikipedia mobile

18. Night camera (99 cents)

19. Tweetie (Twitter) or Twitterific or Twinkle (MOblie Twitter)

20. Recorder

21. Pageonce personal assistant

22. Fring

23. VCN lite of Teleport

24. Bloom

25. Simplify Media (4 bucks)

26. Google Earth

27. Pedometer

28. Last.fm

29. WordPress

30. RJDJ

31. Camerabag

32. Dr. Awesome

33. iCube

34. My eBay

35. Flashlight

36. iCrossword

37. Books

38. Drummer

39. Pianist

40. Tetris

41. Sketches

42. Tap Tap Revolution

43. MobileCast

44. Snapture

In an effort to avoid thinking about being Larsless this summer, I’m filling my brain with wonderful iPhone candy.
Planning comforts me.

You ran your cold hands through my hair
my spiral perm scent in the air
We tumbled, tripping down the snow covered hill
You left me crying, now you wanna know how it feels
Well, tonight I have the car
and it’s a long way home

Now you don’t call me anymore
You kissed my broken lips then walked straight out the door
despite my pretty words
you won’t love me like before
so tonight I have the car
and it’s a long way home

And all I ever got from you
was a poem painting my brown eyes blue
and an endless case of rug-burn
that left me feeling used
but tonight I have the car
and it’s a long way home

It’s a long way home

Straight to hell (cover) – Lilly Allen

Paper Planes (cover) – Panda Riot

Less Than Zero – Elvis Costello

Handle With Care – Jenny Lewis & The Watson Twins

Far Away – Martha Wainwright

strangers – The Dutchess & The Duke

Time to pretend – MGMT

For today I’m a boy – Antony & The Johnsons

Straight out of Compton (NWA cover) – Nina Gordon

Don’t cry for me Argentina – Will Oldham

He doesn’t know why – Fleet Foxes

1st instant, last report – Earlimart

Strumpet – Lois

That’s when I reach for my revolver – Mission of Burma

Touched something’s hollow – Of Montreal

Perfect World – Liz Phair

Long way home – Chubby Bunny

I’m Happy – Thee Headcoattees

You just haven’t earned it yet, baby – The Smiths

How long will it take for me NOT to wince when I hear the word, “president”?

And so, after seeing the movie tonight I can honestly say, I still don’t get it.

Cedrick Diggory is likable enough, sassy enough etc… but, “Bella Swan” (quite possibly the worst fictitious name ever invented) is sooooooooooooooo boring and lame. We’re supposed to know that she’s smart, but we never see her act smart, so who the hell can tell?

She’s supposed to be nice, but never acts nice. I don’t get it.

What I do get is Edward Cullen “fan art.” I’m all over that shit.

Well, if you know me then you know that I’ve been living with the biggest piece of wack-a-doo shit phone in the world for the past two years.

Of course today it finally, mercifully kicked the bucket.

I now have a new and free piece of crap to get me through the next five or so months (until my contract with evil-Sprint is up and I gets me’ iPhone).

If you’re someone who calls/texts me – would you mind shooting lil’ ol’ me your phone number again?

All was lost when the lame and powerless LG Fusic turned off today at 1pm and refused to ever turn back on.

My iPhone countdown clock starts now. (I totally just typed and published “countdown cock,” but happily caught it only a few minutes later, only to type out exactly what happened, thereby negating my correction.

Thank you and goodnight.

Dear Lawrence:

Congratulations! We are pleased to inform you that you have been selected as a recipient of a U.S. Department of State Critical Language Scholarship for participation in the Urdu intensive summer language institute. The Bureau of Educational and Cultural Affairs of the U.S. Department of State, the sponsor of the Critical Language Scholarship Program, joins the Council of American Overseas Research Centers (CAORC) in offering congratulations on your acceptance. The applicant pool was highly competitive, and the review panels found your application impressive. We hope you will find this a rewarding opportunity for your academic and professional development.

He will live in Lucknow, India for 2 1/2 months (June – August) and I will probably be kind of lonely and pathetic. On the upside, I’ll probably blog a lot.

I’m so proud of him and am trying very hard not to panic about how much I’m going to miss him.

I realize that it’s March, but I figured it was high time I share with you, dear readers, some of my resolutions for the new year. So, here we go:

1. Be a better, more consistent blogger. (Obviously you saw this coming). In fairness to my frequent absences and tardies, being interesting on demand is pretty hard work (just like being president) and while I understand “interesting” isn’t always a pre-requisite for setting my digits a typing – I think all 5 of my regular readers would rather I try.  So, wait- what was I saying?

2. Buy drag queen-esque eye make-up and wear it out of the house sometimes.

3. Try to be nicer to people trying to hand me flyers. Okay, no – I take that back, I forgot about the Australian Outback looking douche who tried to force his anti-abortion literature on me outside of the library. So, revision – I want to be meaner to people who try to hand me flyers.

4. Not be sick. I’ve been “sorta” to “mega” sick since the end of January. Thanks a fuckin’ bunch 2009.

5. Get an iPhone. Do I really need to explain this? And, yes – it is a resolution.

6. Tell teenagers running for student council to stop co-opting the word, “Revolution.” This year at the U, the parties running for student government include; “Synergy,”  ”Go” and “Revolution.”

I hate them all for various reasons, but mostly because university college government doesn’t really do anything but pad the resumes of those who win. And by “win,” I mean, the party that passes out the best free food and plays the loudest, most annoying music in front of my workplace.

Speaking of music – this is why I loathe the “Revolution” party the most. Besides having the gaul to call themselves “Revolution” while being the most white-bread, vanilla bean, J. Crew wearing mo-fos; they’ve also generated a musical mix of every song in the known universe with the word, “revolution” in it.

This morning they were blasting, I shit not, Tracy’s Chapman’s “Revolution” that boasts these cheery and student-governmenty lyrics:

Don’t you know

They’re talking’bout a revolution

It sounds like a whisper

Don’t you know

They’re talking’bout a revolution

It sounds like a whisper

While they´re standing in the welfare lines

Crying at the doorsteps of those armies of

salvation

Wasting time in the unemplyment lines

Sitting around waiting for a promotion

Poor people gonna rise up

And get their share

Poor people gonna rise up

And Take what’s theirs

Don’t you know

You better run, run, run…

Oh I said you better run, run, run…

Finally the tables are starting to turn

Talkin’bout a revolution

Seriously, try eating a free hamburger while listening to that song. It can’t be done.

7. Get back on the home beautification wagon. After completing the front rooms almost a year and a half ago, I’ve found it difficult to want to start all over again with the rest of the house – but, IT HAS TO HAPPEN. Right now I just pretend that the two back rooms don’t exist and I’d do the same with the bathroom and the kitchen if I didn’t HAVE to use them every day.

8. Wash my hair more than once a week. I can’t even believe I’m typing that, but seriously – when did I get like this? I’m not saying I have to go crazy or anything just twice a week – that would be ideal.

9. Be more creative, whatever that means. I’m what I like to call a jack-off all trades. Which, basically means that I have so many crafty/ arty hobbies that I don’t do any one that often or well. I’d like to improve.

10. “Don’t be green.” I realize that probably sounds like some anti-environmentalist type statement, but really – it doesn’t mean anything. Sometime in the early 90′s I hollered that sentence at Data while watching Star Trek: The Next Generation. It means nothing at all, my OCD just told me that I needed at least 10 resolutions. Hmm. Maybe I should have made #10, “Stop being so OCD.”

It happened innocently enough via one of my own web addictions, Flickr. I’m a member of a Sublime Stitching group and one of the other members (I won’t say who) had a comment on their photo page from someone using a name incredibly, horrifyingly familiar to me. A name, I might add, that I came up with once upon a time.

If I were a stronger person, a saner person – I wouldn’t have clicked. But, I did.

I couldn’t have, in 10 million years guessed what I would find there – literally pages of “snapshots” of her Second Life character; dancing, watching movies, partying, sexually cavorting, flirting, fighting, lounging – you name it – her extremely idealized version of herself was totally doing it.

I’m not trying to be judgey, I’m really not – but, what the hell is that about? I certainly understand screwing around on the internet, in all its forms, even the totally weird, creepy forms – but, taking pictures of your fake persona and posting them to a photography website? That’s the part I don’t get… and that’s the part that skeeves me out and makes me sad at the same time.

I’ll say it – this girl and I did not end on the kindest of terms and despite two attempts on my part to repair things to the point of at least – civility, she remains one of two people in the world who I know hate my guts.

She was an exhausting, emotionally vampiric friend who intentionally hurt my feelings and drove me insane – all the time, but did I ever wish for her to be trapped, living in a fake universe with a fake body and a fake face doing fake things with other fake people so she can take fake pictures of her fake social life? Um, no.

Okay, maybe I am being judgey.

I don’t know. Maybe my views on Second Life are tainted because all I know about it is pervy. Like, for instance – you have to purchase genitals. Like, you really go to a little Second Life “Cock Shop” and buy yourself some junk with fake money. That’s just….

Maybe it’s me – maybe I’m just getting old and too firmly based in the boring reality of my existence to appreciate the fine tuning of a fake vagina.

I Don’t Mind if You Forget Me – Morrissey

Stay The Fuck Away From Me – Lightspeed Champion

The Saddest Story Ever Told – The Magnetic Fields

Seasick On Land – Rogue Wave

I Just Wanna Puke On The Stereo – The Frumpies

Don’t Worry About the Government – Talking Heads

A Worrying Thing – Yo La Tengo

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-re8z-H1UqY]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzUPEB1TkkI]

I realize I talk a lot about tv, but I’m watching this show online, so it’s almost like it’s not tv…er something. Anyway – Rupaul’s Drag Race is the best thing NOT currently playing on my television. Luckily, the LOGO network has been kind enough to let us watch full episodes online. 

The premise of the show is this: Rupaul = Tyra Banks. And I mean that literally – he actually does the meanest Tyra Banks impersonation I’ve ever seen. It’s brilliant and I’ve already called the Dish Network about providing me with the LOGO channel.

So, yes – I’ve done the SB thing before, both times with decent enough results. 1st time: before the wedding I lost 20 lbs. All gained back and then-some during my first two years of marriage and homeownership, which, (tee-hee) led directly to attempt #2 last year. I lost 30 lbs overall and only gained 6 back…and that was after Christmas so it barely even counts, right? Right.

Anyhoo, in tribute to my Floridian heritage, here I am again. I figure if I can do the same this time (lose 30, keep 24 off)…and then do the same thing again for then next, oh – 5 years, I should be just about skinny. Not that I care or even want to be “skinny,” but you know what I mean. Healthier. In five years I’ll be “flirting with 40,” so I really should start TCB while I’m still spry. I can’t believe I just typed any of that.

So, where was I? Oh yeah, Day 1 is complete and it wasn’t so bad. I went grocery shopping and got a lot of great ingredients and yummy stuff, so I think it will be pretty harmless. Until someone bakes brownies or shoves pie in my face or worse – sweet potatoe fries – (GAH!), but I’ll cross that cliche when I get to it.

• $40 billion for state fiscal stabilization (includes $7.5 billion of state incentive grants)

Sounds super smart and awesome. Gee, you’re just the best. You make me feel all warm inside. The kind of warm-in-the-guts feeling I get about 90 seconds before I have to take an emergency dump.

I just love you guys.  You’re swell.

1. My resolutions for 2009 (aside from more vulgarity).

2. My favorite things about 2008.

3. TTC (Trying to conceive). When you’re not 20 and you have jobs, unexpected illness, friends, animals, responsibilities and, and, and…etc… it’s more difficult than imagined. Not the sex part, (duh) – but, the having to have sex on specific days, at specific times. For whatever reason, we can’t seem to synchronize when it really counts (was that too personal? Whatever.). Every month, it’s something. Our reasons are usually legitimate and unplanned, but I’m about to start kicking the legitimate and unplanned right in the balls. My sanity only stretches so far. I don’t want to turn into one of those crazy, fertility message board swamp-donkeys, sending out my 10 thousandth post with glittery, blinking bullshit all over the place.

4. The movie Fear and how awesome it is. Who knew you cram that many Bush songs into one movie? “NICOLE 4 EVA”

5. The best television show in the world. No, not Battlestar Galactica. It’s a little gem called, The Tool Academy and it is the best thing to ever happen to me.

6. How I’m still not comfortable with that fact that little Stacey from Kids Incorporated grew up to be Fergilicious.

She’s getting married next fall and she was telling me about her meeting with a florist.

“Well, I made a Powerpoint.”

That’s all she had to say.

I love my sister.

The sadist bastard who installed our dish placed it at the highest, most ridiculously awkward part of our roof. So, climbing up and “knocking the snow off” isn’t really an option. 

Not unless we had a 20 foot ladder, which we don’t. 

Boo. I’m cranky. It’s messing with my Sunday night routine and forcing me to watch crappy network television, which at the risk of sounding like a total snob, TOTALLY SUCKS. 

• Family Guy
• American Dad
• Extreme Makeover Home Edition
• Desperate Housewives
• Fox 13 News at 9
• Some insanely stupid Knights of the Templar movie

You’re killing my soul. I hope you’re happy.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7c2lC9JlJo]

Watching Bush fly away in his little helicopter was such a gorgeous relief wasn’t it? Like the first night you can breathe through both nostrils after a cold. (Actually, breathing probably isn’t the best metaphor during one of Utah’s legendary inversion bouts, but still, you get my drift).

I’m celebrating by watching lots of Law & Order – just to, you know – keep in mind that the world still kind of sucks. I mean, just because we have a pretty and okay, smart president doesn’t mean that people are going to stop murdering or being pervy or acting like massive douche-holes to each other. I have to keep telling myself that – otherwise I just go crazy and start having all kinds of hippie-dippy thoughts of utopia.

The new season of Battlestar is also helping to keep those hippie-happy feelings in check. Holy balls. Holy, moly, roly balls. I can’t even talk about it, except to say that my theories about what happened to Kara are pretty much dead on.

Take that, bitches.

I don’t care what you want, “Joe the bald asshole.”  Shouldn’t you be plumbing something, you fucking faker?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2pitbGn95I]

Oh, sweet morning
Is your head not right
Did you heed my warning
This is the time of times

And your head feels like your body
You mind is close behind
There’s a teardrop on your shoulder
Says this is the time of times
It’s the time of times again

This is the time of times
It’s the time of times again

Oh, sweet morning
And your head’s not right
Did you heed my warning
This is the time of times

And your head feels like your body
Your mind is close behind
There’s a teardrop on your shoulder
Says this is the time of times
It’s the time of times again

The time of times
Yeah this is the time of times

Wtf?
One last note – he clearly thinks these lyrics are brilliant enough to repeat all the way through a second time.

Is it me?

I’m so hilarious. 

It’s 10:10 p.m. on my last night of vacation and I’m in complete and total denial that I’ll be getting up to the 7:30 a.m. alarm in the morning. 

I know I’m only working 2, maybe three days this week, but it’s 2 or 3 too many for my taste. Don’t they understand that I’ve got online karaoke to play and bad movies to watch? 

Sigh. 

Okay. Going to brush my teeth now. I’m letting the dream die harder: with a vengeance.

I honestly don’t know what to do with the place the dent occupied in my soul.  It’s been three days since I got him back from Macdocs and I just summoned the will tonight to take off it’s turquoise, plastic armor and really appreciate it. 

I had to photograph it, of course. 

Relive my pain – The Original Dent Story.

All I can say is if you get a check in the mail, addressed to someone else. Make sure that check gets to its proper owner. Karma is real. 

Not that I’m counting down or anything.

Here’s a small list of the things I plan to do:

1. finish Christmas prizes.

2. sleep

3. watch about 700 movies/ tv shows (some on the tv, some on my laptop, while still in bed, in pajamas, probably drooling)

4. cook things and eat them

5. play with dogs

6. sleep some more

7. paint the bathroom (lofty, I know, but I’m a crazy dreamer)

8. catch up on gossipy blogs

9. finish Satanic Verses….finally

10. did I say sleep, yet?

The Turtle blew a “rod” and I don’t know what that is – I only know it means that we’d have to buy a whole, new engine and that would cost a whole lot of money.

I’m sad. The Turtle was given to us by our wonderful friend, Dan – when we really needed it and it’s been a trooper for us almost every day since.

Letting go is bittersweet and so I dedicate this song to The Turtle.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_GBnk45IYY]

Mary – The Dutchess & The Duke

You died before I got to vacuum the living room floor and you gave me a blood blister. Eat shit and die, I hope you rot in hell, you stupid $40 piece of crap. I knew you wouldn’t last forever – and really a year isn’t so bad, but couldn’t you have waited to keel over until AFTER I was done?

Sincerely,

Dirty Floor Bertha

1. Emmy the Great’s cover of Where is My Mind? is the only Pixies cover I’ve ever liked.

2. Despite they’re tre-iron-ique name, Dolorean’s cover of Elliott Smith’s The Biggest Lie is pretty gorgeous.

3. Antony’s version of Leonard Cohen’s If it Be Your Will makes me weep. It’s a live recording from the documentary, I’m Your Man, so it starts off slightly odd and his voice is so jarringly different that I actually chuckled with whatthefuckitude when he first started, (I believe, “Who the fuck is this pasty man-boy?” came out of my mouth) but about 1/3 of the way through I was completely enraptured. I downloaded it immediately and have been an Antony fan ever since.

His voice is like milk in hot coffee, like Nina Simone’s.

He also does a fantastically great version of Candy Says, that’s basically to die for.

4. The Magnetic Fields cover of Heroes is amazingly true to the original, with more feedback and echo and Magneticy Fieldsiness. And we all know that covers of this song can massively suck – Wallflowers, I’m looking at you.

5. While I’m thinking about David Bowie covers Nirvana’s Man Who Sold the World has always held a special, fancy place in my ears.

6. Which makes me think about their covers of the Vaselines songs, Son of a Gun and Molly’s Lips – which are both pretty alright, but what I really want to add to my list is the Vaseline’s cover of Divine’s You Think You’re a Man.

7. Artichoke’s Sex Pistol’s cover of the entire album, Nevermind the Bollocks Here’s the Sex Pistols. I accidentally downloaded this from iTunes, thinking it was the real record, which I’ve only ever had on cassette tape. I was sooooo pissed with myself when I saw what I’d done. I was expecting to hit play and cry and punch myself in the nuts for being so fucking stupid and wasting 9 bucks on some bullshit power punk cover album – BUT – hallelujah! It was not like that at all.

It’s a folksy (but, not hippie), cutesy, twee version and it’s just about the cutest damn thing I’ve ever heard. I’ve never been so pleasantly surprised about anything. It’s go great harmonies and you should never underestimate the power of harmonizing the lines, “fuck this and fuck that fuck it all and fuck the fucking brat. she don’t want a baby that looks like that, I don’t want a baby that looks like that”

Gorgeous.

8. The Decemberists version of Bjork’s, Human Behavior makes my junk tingle.

9. I’ve always loved Dinosaur Jr.’s cover of Just Like Heaven. I love the original, I mean The Cure are my dogs and all, but this version is just sassy and I love to imitate J. Mascis’ voice.

10. In Juno Justin Batemen extoles the many virtues of Sonic Youth’s cover of Superstar by the Carpenters and I’m finding it hard to disagree with him.

11. As I was typing up that last one, iTunes totally psychically hip to what I’m doing right now, randomized REM’s cover of John Lennon’s #9 Dream. A song that I’m still not sure isn’t saying, “Ahh baaa comma, pussy, pussy.” I blame south Florida, 2-Live Crew and their song “Pop that Pussay,” for my mishearing of that line.

If anyone knows what they hell the lyrics really are, feel free to fill me in.

12. Speaking of Lennon, Rufus Wainwright’s version of Across the Universe destroys me. He also does a great version of Chelsea Hotel No. 2 that will put a baby in your tummy.

13. Speaking of Rufus Wainwright – he covered Judy Garland’s entire Judy: Live at Carnegie Hall recording….live. And its awesome. I think you may need to be gay or a gay-man-in-a-girl’s body like me to totally appreciate this one, but maybe not.

14. The Young Knives cover of Adam Ant’s Stand and Deliver. It’s another “true to the original” type cover and these blokes (neither young nor knives) are just too damn adorable not to love.

15. I mentioned this a few posts ago, but P.P. Arnold’s cover of Cat Steven’s The First Cut is the Deepest is just great.

16. Are you ready for my street cred? Okay – (wait for it)… Minutemen covering Steely Dan’s, Dr. Wu. Fucking awesome. “Are you crazy? Are you high? Are you just an ordinary guy? Have you done all you can do?”

17. Edith Massey singing (or saying for that matter) anything, but Big Girls Don’t Cry is probably my favorite.

18. Elliott Smith covering Big Star’s, Thirteen. I would literally fight anyone who didn’t agree that this a far better version than the original. In 1998 I listened to this song on repeat until about 2001.

19. The Mountain Goats covering The Boys are Back in Town = AMAZING. You never knew that song was good, did you? He also does a pretty sweet Suedehead…and an even better The Sign – yes, Ace of Bass.

20. Yo La Tengo’s cover of Speeding Motorcycle is one of many great Daniel Johnston covers.

21. Getting old school on your ass, I’ll add The Clash’s version of Police & Thieves...

22. …and raise you the raggae version of Country Roads by Toots & The Maytals. “Almost heaven, west Jamaica…” Awesome.

23. Steve Earle’s version of the Beatles, I’m looking Through You is pretty sweet. So much that Tawnya and I were both like, “hmmm, now who covered this song?” Uhhhh, the Beatles about a million years first.

24. Lightspeed Champion absolutely changed my whole life with his cover of Xanadu.

25. David Byrne’s cover of I Wanna Dance With Somebody has been on repeat on my iPod for abotu 3 hours.

Home = Disheveled

Body = Currently dumpy and though I haven’t actually gained any weight I feel gi-huge-ous.

Emotions = Crabby. After my brother’s visit I’m having a hard time readjusting back to my normal routine.

Fingernails = Kind of surprisingly too short right now

iTunes = Playing a lot of Kool Keith – Spankmaster

Dogs = Whiney

Cats = Sheddy

Cookies = no-baking in the refrigerator

Lunch for tomorrow = Made and boxed up

Blog = Written, beeeeaaatcchhhhh!

Unfortunately as a follow-up to Wicker Man we watched a documentary about drug-use in Utah (at least that’s what it’s supposed to be about) called, Happy Valley. It sucked so many balls that I think I may need a ballectomy to remove all the balls it shoved down my windpipe.

I’m too tired to go into it, but trust me – I will.

After three years of working “off site” during the library’s insanely huge renovation project, I have to say I’m a little more than ready to be back on campus again.

Though,  there are things I’ll miss about my office.

1. Having an office. Yes, it’s back to cubicle-town for yours truly. It’s really been nice being able to shut my door and yank off my bra for a quick repair or shut my eyes for a tiny nap. Shh – don’t tell.

2. Parking. We can park so easily and so close to the door and also for free. Univeristy parking is balls and costs like 200 bucks a year.

3. The view from my window. Sigh. I have a clear view of Red Butte from here and there’s nothing like watching the sun set on the foothills. I’ll really miss that.

4. The view from the street where I park. Here – see for yourself

Who wouldn’t want to see that at the end of every day?

So now whenever I think of something I don’t want to do, say… work or go to bed at a responsible hour, I think-sing to myself, “I don’ wann go to work now… no…no…no…”

It’s mercilessly stuck in my head and I’ve honestly, in reality only heard the actual song once.

Rehab

Damn you Amy Winehouse and your drunk ass. Damn you to a dry county and a comb.

I can’t hear the Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young song, “Southern Cross” without thinking of my dad. 

But, none of their hippie-shit music stuck as richly or as deeply as Cat Stevens. 

I played my parents vinyl Tea for the Tillerman at least 10 million times on their giant silver high-fi. 

I’m not saying he’s perfect – the songs, “Peace Train” and “Moonshaddow” make me want to wear my vagina as a raincoat in an acid storm. Basically, when he’s good – he’s good, but when he’s bad, he’s very, VERY bad. 

The same can be said of covers of his songs. Eddie Vedder doing “Trouble,” for instance. Blargh! Sheryl Crow singing, “The First Cut is the Deepest.” Kill me.

But, they’re also often transplendant. Kristin Hersh’s “Trouble,” P.P. Arnold’s, “First Cut is the Deepest,” Yo La Tengo’s “Here Comes my Baby.”

Lovely. 
Trouble – Cat Stevens

First Cut is the Deepest – Rod Stewart

First Cut is the Deepest – P.P. Arnold

Trouble – Elliott Smith

Could be the whole college graduation that’s happening later today. Hm. I wonder.

A typical day for me as of last week:

9am – wake up, take a shower, put on make-up, put in contacts, get dressed

10am – catch the bus

10:30am – Attend Studies in Drama

11:30am – Intellectual Traditions of the West

12:30pm – Come home, eat lunch, practice guitar, watch Columbo

3pm – Go back to school for Creative Non-fiction with Terry Tempest Williams.

5pm – Come back home, hang out, play guitar, love to hate Mtv

****************AFTER GRADUATION***********************

Ugh. Mitt Romney talks A LOT!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve been stressing and working on my resume and having fun with mom and grandma.

If I could change anything I would be skinnier, have unlimited money and clear skin.

The most important  people in my life are my mom, brother & sister, my grandma & grandpa, Tawnya and Angie. They are the people that I trust and can be myself with.

I could not go a day without playing guitar, bitching about politics and complaining about my fat ass.

I just finished rearranging my closet and I don’t know if I unleashed some kind of poisonous dust-disease or what, but I feel totally insane and a little like I’m gonna barf.

Seriously, I’ve gone blotto. But, the good news is that I’ve packed two giganimous hefty bags full of clothes I haven’t worn in 5 years and blankets, that okay, had some sentimental value, but, ew.

The sad part is that I’m only half-way through the madness that is the one and only closet in the Medley home.

I’ve got that happy conflicted feeling that always comes after organizing stuff. It starts with smug self-satisfaction before moving onto a strange, caffeine like jittery feeling as your mind begins to catalog all the other places in your life that are also in need of attention and overhaul.

The past few days I keep entertaining this fantasy that we’ve somehow come into a ton of money – like, the proverbial shitload of cash. Anyway and the first thing we do is pack up all our necessary shit and animals and move straight to Jamaica. We’re sitting in our backyard that is of course, the beach, glistening with the pleasant sweat of laziness, sipping fruity drinks while the dogs play in the sand.

Here -here will help you live it too. (a little Orchestra Boabab for your butts)

To honor PIERCE! we watched, okay, Dante’s Peak – BUT, but also the glorious, the magical… Remington Steele.

Oh, sorry, I swooned.

Remington Steele is so, so, so much better than I remember. And by that – I mean, it’s perfect. It’s the perfect television show. Don’t give me that look.

I’m in love.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7namGHWmv7g]

Having “fallen back,” I’m feeling an exponential drop in my (very necessary) brain cells. When the darkness, or as we here in Utah know it, the grayness approaches at 3:30 instead of 8:30 – it turns my brain into a lumpy sack of goo and renders me completely incapable of this whole “working” thing.

I work with codes and mentally/emotionally deficient people who have to be coddled via-email – so, I really need my brain to be tip-top when trying to word my 9-millionth email explaining how to “login.”

Sigh.

Out of like a million times. So, you’ll have to forgive me.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vptReEXBH4Q]

Eddie and the Cruisers, here I come. (No really, did they start uploading the 2-star movies first?)

*Kay – had to update – they’ve got Law & Order SVU on here. I’m never leaving my laptop again.

I’m so glad I rocked the cradle of love.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9H0r3pRheDM]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHKWBxDzyfU]

I am a total wreck right now. I cannot wait until we know (that Obama won) the outcome of this election. I’m praying. I’m using “The Secret.” I’m hoping. I’m clenching my jaw and I’m counting on a fair and easily determined election today.

Melissa’s reminisence over the 2000 election debacle reminded me just how horribly this process could go (Whoa – I really and truly just had de ja vu typing while typing that sentence) and how long it could actually be before we can sit back, before we can be relieved that a woman who can’t say the word “too” without the word “also” will NOT be our vice president. Before we can rest easy knowing we won’t have a half-senile, warmonger with his finger on the “button.”

2000 was a horror show – there is no doubt about it – and our country has the scars to prove it. 9/11, the war in Iraq, the economy, the neverending embarrassment. We’ve been living with harsh realities of neo-conservatism for 8 years and I’m so looking forward to not having the boot on my neck and the pee-pee in my eyeballs.

Is Barack Obama perfect? No. But, his world view doesn’t involve swirling the country around in a neverending toilet bowl of fear and greed and hate. That’s good enough for me.

He’s a good man and I’m so looking forward to being able to say that about my president again. I’m so looking forward to being proud of my country again.

Except Kentucky. Kentucky can blow balls. Sorry, I just looked at CNN.

Obama ’08!

Obama’s favorite TV show is his own: HBO’s “The Wire,” which chronicles Baltimore’s violent drug culture and the police who quixotically try to stop it.

Obama told the Sun his favorite character is Omar, a stick-up artist who steals from drug dealers and then gives the loot to poor people in the neighborhood.

“That’s not an endorsement. He’s not my favorite person, but he’s a fascinating character.”

Steals from drug dealers and gives to the poor, huh? Sounds to me like Omar’s some kind of socialist or Robin Hood or something.

I was a 36C or D, and at 5′ 1″, I knew that being a small person with big boobs standing in front of an audience was not going to be easy. It would be really hard to get people to pay attention to me without mocking me. Getting a breast reduction to prepare for my career was no different from people who work to get good grades to get into a good college to get into a good graduate school to get a good job. I went down to a B cup, and it was the best thing in the whole world.

I’ve always loved Janeane, but I’m kind of disappointed with this (old) news and not just because she chopped off  her knockers to make standing in front of an audience easier – but, because she had an opportunity and she missed it.

How much stronger would her career and message have been if she did all she’s done and said all she’s said, while rocking 36Ds?

Having fully realized bazooms is a mindfuck for most of us – there’s the objectification, the shame, the fear of jogging/jiggling, the never being able to find button-down shirts or coats that fit. It sucks. If you don’t want to take my word for it, google the phrase “positive things about big boobs” and you’ll find nothing but self-loathing chicks with sweet racks, desperately wanting to get breast-reduction surgery – followed by pages of ladies with small breasts wanting large breasts, so the cycle of female self-hatred continues.

Imagine a world where dudes with huge dicks went around lamenting them and hacking them up to fit societal norms. You can’t – because it’s fucking crazy and so is this.

How did we let this happen? How did we let our society make us hate ourselves so much that even the strong and the funny among us have given into the pressure?

Frankly, it pisses me off and makes me sad. You can be smart and have big tits. You can be funny and have big tits. You can be powerful and have big tits. You don’t have hide or shrink or for fuck-sake, mutilate yourself in order to be taken seriously.

Will people mock you? Probably. Will dudes perv over you? Definitely. But, women have to stop changing themselves and start changing society.

Pointing a gun at a fake Sarah Palin and her daughter is indeed reprehensible, but coming from you – the accusation is pretty rich.

This blog seems dedicated to inciting hatred against Muslims and “liberals” – and you have no problem with that. So, what’s the difference? Why is the hatred you spew somehow exempt from criticism? And how can you be so ignorant to your own hypocrisy?

You’ve created your own little lynch mob (I mean, really – do you read your comments?) and yet, you have the audacity to act offended? I imagine you and your readers would stand up and cheer if this “art” depicted Obama instead and in fact I’ve seen images depicting much worse on this blog and others- but, that’s okay – right?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

And now for my pal, Roger at “American and Proud.”

I would encourage you NOT to go read this site because it will just infuriate you – and I mean that so much, I’m not even going to give you the link.

I will however give you the link to the site, I’m redirected to every time I try to look at it. Yes, I got blocked. Cock-blocked, literally. I think he thinks his choice of redirection is funny, but I find it rather telling. I mean, did he just have this site bookmarked, or what? At the very least, with this – he proved what I knew all along.

This link is EXTREMELY NSFW!

And here’s the comment that got me ousted.

But, you’re not a racist.
“Do you honestly think the 95% blacks voting for Obama are not expecting something? They are expecting money to be dropped by the plane load onto their ghetto’s and projects..”
The fact that you think 95% of black people live in either the “ghetto” or the “projects” and that they’re only voting for Obama because they think he’s going to throw money at them – that’s pretty bad, but – BUT….
“On the bright side:

This might just be a GOOD Recruitment year for the ‘Original Boys in da Hood’”
is just – fucking insane and beyond sick.

I used to kind of enjoy your neo-nut hysteria, but you had to go and ruin it, by proving that you’re actually just an enormous (black) cock-gobbler.

I mean, you do seem a little preoccupied with what happens between men in prison.

Anyway – have fun in that (sexy) race war in your mind.

Oh and you don’t need apostrophes at the end of every word with an “s” for Christ-sake.

This story fills me with 30 kinds of ick.

I mean, seriously. She is just as cute as a button and as a fellow member of the “Jugs” squad, I’d really be remiss if I didn’t stand up and say, wow.

Well done McCain genes. Now if only I could be as impressed with her father’s policies. Doh! You knew that was coming.

It is officially 11 more days til’ Halloween and now I have that fucking song stuck in my head. Again.

I don’t remember what year it was exactly, the first time I subjected myself to the painfully bad, Halloween 3, but from that day forward I can’t think of the word “Halloween” without hearing that bloody song.

Last night the Medleys and Patches willingly watched  it once again -albeit with wine and pumpkin carving to distract us.

I’ve never been much of a carver, but I have to say, I’m kind of impressed with my kitty-cat (pictured). Lars’ witch is also pretty nice and Shannon’s bat = totally cute. For some reason, Kelly relinquished his pumpkin to Lars or Lars just stole it – I’m not sure which.

Oh well, trickery is really in the spirit of the season, isn’t it?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_oKZ9sexo4]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmG80v473AI]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJDxilcjR9Q]

Below are a couple of comments left on the “Woman, Honor Thyself” blog.

How in the world can we as a nation elect Mr Hussein Obama to the most powerful position in the country after 9-11.
The Obama saga started in Kenya, and I read in the book of revelations ( along time ago so forgive me if I don’t quote it exactly) the anti-Christ would be born of a jackal? or something??
aren’t jackals popular in Africa?

I’ve often wondered about the language between the age the bible was written and what we speak now.. I don’t know if this is ordained but this guy Hussein Obama has captured the youth, he speaks with elegance and flare and he has the most evil people in the world on his side…. time to do some soul searching.

Uhhhhhh. I don’t even know what to say to this beyond, “Nurse! Roger needs his meds now! – and don’t forget the restraints.” I mean, seriously – Obama is the anti-Christ, huh? Excuse me, “Hussein” Obama is the anti-Christ? Really? I understand not agreeing with his politics or policies, but this is just stupid. You don’t agree with someone, so that must mean they’re evil. Makes sense. This reminds me of my Ricks College roomies donning their black arm-bands the day Bill Clinton won. They were crying – actually crying and demanding that he was going to “usher in the Apocalypse.”  Yeah – so, if the Apocalypse can be defined as sticking a cigar up some girl’s hoo-ha, while demolishing the deficit – then yes – the Apocalypse he did bring.

Thanks, “American and Proud.”

cube says:

I skipped the debate. I’ve heard enough from the mystical magical negro to last me forever.

All I have to say about this guy is that I bet he really, secretly longs for some deep, deep ding-dong straight up his pooper. I’ve exhausted all other possible explanations.

WARNING – this woman who “honors herself” does have a habit of posting extremely graphic images from 9/11 – you know, just in case you forgot. She also posts frequently repulsive, racist tirades that make me wonder if she shouldn’t be “honoring” herself a bit more, if you know what I mean.

My brother sent this to me this morning! Scary, isn’t it?

“Mehh Mahhhh Heeeeehhhhh!!!”

“She should pay double!”

“Barama [sic] is the second highest paid person from ACORN…uhh” 

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itEucdhf4Us]

“Kill the beast! Kill the beast!”

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=917Q8dbpRLE]

“I think he’s a one man terror cell.”

“Is he a terrorist?” – “He’s got the bloodlines…. look at his name.” 

“When’s the first time you heard of ACORN?” – “Today.” 

“Mindy Green thinks Barack Obama’s a terrorist?” – “Yep.”

“I right now HAVE MORE COMMUNITY ORGANIZING!! ARE YOU MUTING THIS SIR??!?!” (you’re gonna love this lady)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjxzmaXAg9E]

“Sarah’s a normal American.” 

“cos, they were havin’ a debate.”

“You need gloves to touch it.”

“How long have you known Sarah Palin?” – “ALL MY LIFE!”

“I think he was indoctrinated by the teachings of his father.”

“Kathy, stop!”

“I don’t know who that is.” 

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJghQMq49dw]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hR-jXhXgqLE]

It was called The Ka-nitting Factory back then, and for about one week it was purely a “knitting blog.” My friends, who all know I can’t keep my mouth shut, just knew that wouldn’t last.

I’ve shared some of my best, worst, funniest, angriest, saddest and stupidest moments here and look forward to sharing many more.

Thanks for reading, dorks.

I think not. Sigh.

Her resemblance to Wesley Crusher and Dr. John Carter also can’t be ignored.

But, what I love about Rachel the most (besides her liberal bias! *swoon*) is that she’s probably, almost always the smartest person in the room.

Next time on “Girl Crush” – Mary Louise Parker. Yeow.

UPDATE:

Sigh. She’s just cool.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7p_s53zkDI]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1uj2c0l9fA]

Thanks, Wal-Mart. That’s what I get for buying cheap drugs at your store.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Some hippie friend of my mom’s. She wanted a name people couldn’t shorten, then called me “Tray”  my whole life anyway.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Laugh and I’ll cut you, but I got teary during the episode of SVU  where Tim Daley played an evangelical preacher, during the scene where he told his gay son that he love him and accepted him.

3. Do you like your handwriting?
Eh.

4 . WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Buca Meatless Chik’n nuggets. I try to eat them for every meal

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Yes, little Stanley and Walter will be turning 4 next month

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

Well, duh. I mean, I’m a total flake, but I’m worth it.

7.  DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Do YOU use sarcasm a lot?

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS ?
Yep and my wisdom teeth too

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
If someone paid me

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Honey-nut Cheerios, Raisin Bran Crunch

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Nah

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
I’d say I’m “tough”

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE  ICE CREAM ?
The Spotted Dog Peanut Butter Cup

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
If they’re jerky, annoying or crazy

15. RED OR PINK?
Do I really have to judge?

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Well, I’d like to be more punctual – I’d like to naturally be a morning person – I’d like not to have this hormone induced, pizza-face attack – I’d like to just BE Mary Louise Parker some day.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Mommy, Will, Kate, Pop

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
Whoever is bored enough

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
I’m currently in bed and wearing no pants or shoes. I am wearing green socks, though

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
a small fry from … McDonalds. I’m not proud, but I really needed a snack after Ghost Hunting class

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW
David Cross talking about his experience playing Celebrity Poker

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Orange

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
citrus, chimney smoke, apple pie, rain, doggy frito smell

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Angie. I commanded her to bring out a treat when we picked her up for Ghost Hunting class

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS?
I love all the people who sent this

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?

Republican conventions

27. HAIR COLOR ?
brownish

28. EYE COLOR?
brownish

29. Do you wear contacts?
I wear contacts and glasses cos I’m a fuckin’ 4-eyes. You got a problem with that?

30. FAVORITE FOODS?
Buca Meatless Chik’n nuggets. I can eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Caprese salad, potatoes in all forms

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Scary movies, though I don’t see why I should have to choose.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Movies watched during the weekend of “sick” in the Medley house: 30 Days of Night (fuckin’ sweeeeeet!), MST3K The Creeping Terror (painful and awesome), MST3K Catalina Caper (the gayest movie I’ve ever seen, which of course means I loved it. Plus, classic Joel. Sigh), The Virgin Spring (Lars had to throw a little highbrow Bergman in there – but, surprising to no one, it was very good), Independence Day (sucks massive balls, but we watched the whole thing, so… apparently we like sucking balls, er…), Planet Terror (sweeeeeeeet! and gross, but sweeet).

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
black

34. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
spring and fall, so of course I live in Utah where neither really exist

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Both, I guess. I never understand this question and it always shows up in these surveys

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Shannon’s pumpkin empanadas. Hint* Hint* Shannon!!!

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
bored people

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
George Bush – Ohhh, you meant to this survey?? Ha. Um.

39. What book are you reading now?
Satanic Verses – It’s kind of criminally good so far.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT?
Last night I was still watching the 10 million movies list above, but today while sick I watched a marathon of Top Design.

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
really crazy wind

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Yet again – why do I have to choose. When I’m feeling introspective and wordy – the Beatles. When I feel like rocking shit out or being “naughty”- The Stones

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Iran

45.  Any new news in your life?
Have I mentioned the pizza face? Yes. Um. What about my unabashed embarrassment of Sarah Palin? Yes. Okay – crap. That about covers it.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Miami Beach, FLA

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
Melissa and Mark, I’m looking at yous.

48. WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?
12:43 AM

Sort by song
First Song: ”A13, Trunk Road to the sea” – Billy Bragg
Last Song: “2000 Light Years From Home” – The Rolling Stones

Sort by time
Shortest Song: ”Gooseneck Problem” (0.04) – Yo La Tengo
Longest Song: “If Baseballs Had AIDS on Them” (22.25) – David Cross

Sort by artist
First Artist: ABBA
Last Artist: 50 Foot Wave

Sort by album
First Album: Abattoir Blues – Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds
Last Album: Ziggy Stardust – David Bowie

Top Three Most Played Songs:
1. “Upon This Tidal Wave of Young Blood” – Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (41)
2. “No Feelings” – Artichoke (37 times)
3. “True Love Will Find You in the End” – Daniel Johnston (35 times)

First song that comes up on Shuffle:
“Feign Amnesia” – They Might Be Giants

Search ….
“sex”, how many songs come up? 34
“death”, how many songs come up? 51
“love”, how many songs come up? 440
“you”, how many songs come up? 710

Of course no one will be yelling out “Terrorist” or “Kill HER” at any Obama/ Biden rallies – thankfully, because that would be totally scary and gross.

The McCain camp’s decision to paint Obama as some sort of Manchurian candidate may not have been the best. 

I thought they were a pack of Christians er mavericks, or Christian-mavericks, don’t they remember that whole, “he who is without sin, cast the first stone” thing?

While I’m being a total hater (and avoiding my job, shh – don’t tell anyone) – WTF is this all about and why haven’t we heard more about it?

This article dates back to my birthday, why did I read about it for the first time on Margaret Cho’s blog?

This lady is a sick bastard and if I hear one more person refer to her as a “feminist” I’m going to puke on her very “Joe-6 Pack-esque” $500 pumps.

This lady only likes one other woman in the world and she winks at her in the mirror every morning.

Fuck this ho-bag.

PBS has an online poll posted asking if Sarah Palin is qualified.

Apparently the right wing knew about this in advance and are flooding the voting with YES votes. The poll will be reported on PBS and picked up by mainstream media. It can influence undecided voters in swing states.

http://www.pbs.org/now/polls/poll-435.html

When I voted, it was 49/49 – which, we all know is a total joke. Go vote, please.

I never thought I’d say this – but, Sherri Sheepherd – yes, the woman who wasn’t sure the world “wasn’t flat”… kind of kicks ass in this clip.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck is such an ignorant yappy, douche. Anyone who kicks her figurative balls is okay in my book.

Everyone knows that I’m like the cuddliest ex-Mormon ever, but this kind of stuff just makes me sad. 

The whole, “we don’t want people teaching our kids things that are against our beliefs” is a truly weak argument too – I mean, the LDS church already teaches that regular, civil marriages – like mine, don’t quite make the cut… so, what’s the difference really here?

Seriously, Mormons should care less about gay marriage than anyone, because they already have their own unique standard of marriage that only they can participate in. I just don’t see how this civil stuff really affects them at all. 

And – fortunately some Mormons are just as baffled as me. 

I love my Moes and I love my gays. Can’t they all just get along?

Hello,

Are you the owner of this email address??? This mail is for you.

Here is Cheng & Cheng Advocates in Hong Kong. Our office sympathise with you on the death of one of our clients who mentioned you in his will as his next of kin. We have carefuly delibrated on the instruction after enquiries and have decided to consult with you via email for security reasons. We have also notified our offshore agency and release office in France about this information and you will be required to consult with the agent in charge in France Dr. Edward Hanegen on phone +33 67 33 10 989 or email : hanegs@libero.it, he will guide you accordingly on the best and smooth way of receiving the inheritance, he will also let you know what inheritance you inherited. You are required to follow his instruction.

Regards
Cheng & Cheng Advocates(HK)

I kind of wish it wasn’t total bull crap. Sigh.

YouTube – Shark Attack 3: Megalodon

.

As you might imagine, Palin’s “answer” to the question, “What other Supreme Court decisions do you disagree with?” is “insane” and “horrifying” and no matter your political slant “totally stupid.”

Follow the babbling for yourself.

Couric Why, in your view, is Roe v. Wade a bad decision?

Sarah Palin: I think it should be a states’ issue not a federal government-mandated, mandating yes or no on such an important issue. I’m, in that sense, a federalist, where I believe that states should have more say in the laws of their lands and individual areas. Now, foundationally, also, though, it’s no secret that I’m pro-life that I believe in a culture of life is very important for this country. Personally that’s what I would like to see, um, further embraced by America.

Couric: Do you think there’s an inherent right to privacy in the Constitution?

Palin: I do. Yeah, I do.

Couric: The cornerstone of Roe v. Wade.

Palin: I do. And I believe that individual states can best handle what the people within the different constituencies in the 50 states would like to see their will ushered in an issue like that.

Couric: What other Supreme Court decisions do you disagree with?

Palin: Well, let’s see. There’s, of course in the great history of America there have been rulings, that’s never going to be absolute consensus by every American. And there are those issues, again, like Roe v. Wade, where I believe are best held on a state level and addressed there. So you know, going through the history of America, there would be others but …

Couric: Can you think of any?

Palin: Well, I could think of … any again, that could be best dealt with on a more local level. Maybe I would take issue with. But, you know, as mayor, and then as governor and even as a vice president, if I’m so privileged to serve, wouldn’t be in a position of changing those things but in supporting the law of the land as it reads today.

I’ll say it again – wtf?

Her staccato-of-sass delivery may or may not fool you, but I dare you to diagram one, complete sentence in that entire exchange.

Read the whole story, including Joe Biden’s “elitist,” “intelligent,” and “informed” sounding answers here.

Yargh – WordPress won’t let me embed the damn thing -go here.

I miss Veronica Mars.

I think I kind of want to eat some ice cream, but it’s 1:30am and I’m in bed and Lars is asleep and so “I think” that may be kind of creepy.

I love curry chicken salad on a baguette, good lyrics, a kick ass bass line, the beach, family - 

I know I should go to bed, but it’s Friday. Fuck the man.

I want to have a million or so bucks. 

I have this reoccurring fantasy where someone pays off all of my debt.

I wish *for world peace, puppies, rainbows, and unicorns*… and for someone to pay off all of my debt.

I hate Republicans. Look, I’m sorry -I’ve tried to play the benevolent “lib nut,” but, I just can’t stand those people and they can’t stand me, let’s face it. They never pretend to be nice, so why should I? 

I am scared of Republicans. 

I feel a little bit tired. A little in denial about being tired.

I hear Radiohead in my headphones. (Yep, still sad-sacking it after that “sad songs” post)

I smell the chocolate ice cream calling to me all the way from the freezer in the kitchen.

I don’t think I will actually get up and eat ice cream, but there’s a pretty intense war about it, going on in my noggin.

I wonder how people can listen to Sarah Palin and not think she’s a moron. “When Putin rears his head….flies into our air space.. …it’s Alaska….Maverick…thanks, but no thanks.” 

I care about the well-being of others. 

I am not afraid of shooting my big, fat mouth off. 

I believe that the episode of Angel where he gets turned into a puppet, is just about the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.

I dance in my underwear sometimes. Usually while cleaning the house.

I sing lots of Rhianna in the car. I’m going to karaoke the shit out of “Umbrella” some day.

I write lots of work emails. 

I win the lottery without even buying a ticket.

I lose when I snooze and don’t get out of bed to sneak some ice cream.

I never did trust that Beaver. 

I listen to people even when they don’t deserve it.

I can be found at the library.

I read all of the movie credits.

I am happy when the house is clean and smells nice, when my family and friends are happy, when people see through the bullcrap.

I tag anyone.

So, what is it I’m doing to celebrate, you ask? Well, I’m in bed, watching Xanadu (with limited commercial breaks) on my laptop, of course.

Also, I was just memed by Melissa – and what the meme wants, the meme gets. So, here I am, doing the above. Olivia Newton John and her muse-sisters are dancing their way out of a mural to ELO’s  “I’m Alive!” as I type.

Instructions:
Take a picture of yourself right now.
Don’t change your clothes, don’t fix your hair…just take a picture.
Post that picture with NO editing.
Post these instructions with your picture.

So, there it is kids – you know what to do.

mandy-barry manilow 1975

rich-girl-Hall & Oates 1976

police & thieves-the clash 1977

radio radio-elvis costello 1978

boys dont cry -the cure 1979

atmosphere-joy division 1980

our lips are sealed-the go go’s 1981

just can’t get enough-depeche mode 1982

blue monday-new order 1983

political song for michael jackson to sing-minutemen 1984

a pair of brown eyes-the pogues 1985

she’s an angel-they might be giants 1986

unhappy birthday-morrissey 1987

where is my mind-pixies 1988_

drug test-yo la tengo 1989

dirty boots-sonic youth 1990

graffiti-throwing muses 1991

safari-the breeders 1992

new radio-bikini kill 1993

falling is like this-ani difranco 1994

st ides heaven-elliott smith 1995

i feel alright-steve earle 1996

dig me out-sleater kinney 1997

two headed boy-neutral milk hotel 1998

hot topic-le tigre 1999

family tree-belle & sebastian 2000

mt. st. helens-mirah 2001

united we don’t-bratmobile 2002

so say i-the shins 2003

i don’t believe you 2004

upon this tidal wave of young blood-clap your hands and say yeah 2005

ballad of human kindness-the dears 2006

it’s been raining-kimya dawson 2007

think about it-flight of the conchords 2008

I barely know what to say now. I only know I’ve missed you, blog. I’ve missed you so. I want to tell you that I’m not sure if I’ll even make it through this entire season of Top Model. I want you to know how much and how deeply I hate “Sharepoint,” – How it’s unpredictable and cruel like a Disney villain. I want to remind you once again that I HATE sun dried tomatoes and no matter how many times people try to slip them into my food, I will never be convinced that they are anything other than super-sweet, concentrated poison. 

I want to tell you all about my new favorite show. It’s called Tiny Tots for Jesus, blog and they perform (and I use that term loosely) skits meant to train kids how to “share Jesus TO their friends,” that contain about 2% biblical relevance and 900% bull crap. For example – this extremely white woman with a blanket over her head, meant to indicate that it’s “Jesus Times” frantically tells this old lady about how her husband, “Colipicus” ran into a mysterious stranger, who he then invited to dinner. Then suddenly, while Jesus, er I mean, the mysterious stranger was passing the mashed potatoes, it was like “scales fell off their eyes” and they knew it was Jesus! Yay! The end. Excuse me what?

That’s total crap. Why not tell an actual story about Jesus? There are only, I don’t know – about 10 million in that book you keep saying you’ve read. 

This show expresses, in a nutshell exactly what I can’t stand about the “Christian Right.” Never mind what Jesus actually taught and stood for – you can just throw him in any old story and make it mean whatever you want…and then claim that the rest of us (“liiiiberals”) are sinners because your fake-Jesus story told you so. But, but… GAH!

**&O&Q*$(#@*&$@KERRRSPLAATTTI#U#()$*@(#*$Y(#Y$*****

Sorry, Tracy was unavailable to finish this post after her head exploded.

2. Sarah Palin. I was not baffled by her stunt casting on the Republican ticket – I mean, I get it – she’s a woman with a vag-ine, just like Hillary – just like me, but her speech tonight is making me want to sauce her taco with battery acid. Seriously, yesterday I rolled my eyes – tonight I want to fight her in an alley. 

Bash Obama’s “experience” again, lady I never heard of until last week! 

3. The hair that’s been stuck in my eyeball since last night.

4. Republicans in general. Watching them in their natural habitat has reaffirmed my intense fear of foamy-white, creepy-eyed ghouls, swathed in primary colors. 

5. Tyra Banks. This really needs no explanation. But, really are they going to refer to themselves as “Alpha Jay,” “Beta Jay.” and “TyraBot” all season?

Shouldn’t someone who works with developmentally disabled adults make more than a girl who says, “Uhhh, Ohhh totally,” for a living?

Am I wrong?

How much does MTV pay the stars of its smash unscripted series The Hills? Lauren Conrad earns $75,000 per episode-and that’s a fact that has left some of her series co-stars seething, a new In Touch Weekly scoop claims. “The only reason LC gets paid more than anyone else is because she demanded in her original contract that no one could ever get paid more than her.” “The salaries are based on who people care about watching more,” says a mole. “If you bring drama, you’ll get more money.” Fashion forward LC is expected to earn $1.4 million for the complete fourth season of The Hills. Let’s see how much her castmates earn.

Heidi Montag: $65,000 per episode ($1.25 million per year)
Spencer Pratt: $65,000 per episode ($1.25 million per year)
Audrina: $35,000 per episode ($665,000 annually)
Whitney: $20,000 per episode ($380,000 per season)
Brody: $10,000 per episode ($190,000 a year)
Lauren “Lo”: $10,000 per episode ($190,00 for The Hills Season 4)
Stephanie: $8,000 per episode ($152,00 for Season 4)

I mean, Travis Barker?! Shit, yes.

Fear is a man’s best friend – Billy Bragg

Will gets pulled over by “the po-po.”

Ninja - La La Love you – Pixies

The New York Deli -North Miami Beach

Playing dress-up at Mom’s.  voulez vous – ABBA

Lars loves on Stanley & Walter’s mommy and sisters.

Impromptu swimming in our underwear.

Habaneros with Dad.

Will and Scrappy.

Scrappy, Rhett and Bitsy

Dad loves his Ruby

Dad, Rose & Bitsy

Dad & Echo

Canoeing on the Loxahatchee River. Swimming Song – Kate & Anna McGarrigle

Dinner at Dune Dogs.

Chloe, Bonnie & Lola

Rained in by Tropical Storm Fay   

It’s been raining – Kimya Dawson

But, not too rained in…Storm in my house – Minutemen

Downtown Miami and some more rain

Dry the Rain – The Beta Band

The animal holocaust store

The Metrorail and “Metro Mover”

More rain

Cuban food

Last day at the beach. I know where the summer goes – Belle & Sebastian

That catfish who lived.

The scenes of our storm-chasing after the storm.

This one’s a surprise. Heh heh

2. Have you ever smoked heroin? No, but does shooting up between my toes count? JOKE

3. Do you own a gun? Yes, lots of them, actually. Just in case you were thinking of breaking in.

4. Your favorite song? Favorite song? ….Like, in the whole world? uhhhh – “I wanna dance with somebody” by Whitney Houston. What?

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Massively

6. What do you think of hot dogs? I like veggie corndogs! –WORD

7. What’s your favorite love song? I walked down the aisle to “Into my arms” by Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds, so I’ll say that. I’m also quite fond of “Love and Some Verses” by Iron & Wine, “I want you” by Tom Waits, “When my boy walks down the street” by Magnetic Fields, and “Call me after dark” by Le Tigre

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? water, maybe some iced tea

9. Can you do push ups? Hmmmm… let me check….. I failed miserably just now at the standard push-up, but could do the “girl” kind.

10. Is your bathroom clean? Oh goodness, no. It will be after tonight though.

11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? The ring my sweetie gave me

12. Favorite Hobby? Riding bikes, watching stories, going to movies, taking pictures, blogging

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? It’s not a secret, really.

14. Do you have A.D.D.? On occasion.

15. What’s one trait you hate about yourself? I’m kind of controlling.

16. Middle Name: Michelle Brewer

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment: I have to clean the house and pack. I can’t believe I’m going on a trip tomorrow. I’m going to miss my tiny ponies.

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought? Reeses-pieces, internet access, iced tea

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Water and iced tea

20. Current worry? Money. Always with the money

21. Current hate? my stress zits and constant need for sweets

22. Favorite place to be? On the couch with my family. On a quiet beach. In the mountains.

23. How did you bring in the New Year? Uhhh… I claim early onset Alzheimer’s. I have no clue

24. Where would you like to go? India, Japan, Greece (Mamma Mia!), the UK, the Seychelles, Prague, Germany, the Netherlands, New Zealand

25. Best childhood memory? playing with my grandparent’s St. Bernard, Topper.

26. Do you own slippers? I own slipper socks, medium. –WORD

27. Do you like to spend or save money? I’d love to do both.

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Gross

29. Can you whistle? Sure

30. Favorite color? Right now it’s turquoise….or red or turquoise and red, together.

31. Would you be a pirate? no. stupid question

32. What songs do you sing in the shower? this morning I was singing “Together Forever” by Rick Astley

33. Favorite girl’s name? Cordelia

34. Favorite boy’s name? Wesley Wyndham Price (uh oh, someone’s been watching too much Angel)

35. What’s in your pocket right now? knives and lint

36. Last thing that made you laugh? Tawnya half-heartedly saying, “Tawanda!’ while busting an awesome traffic move.

37. Best bed sheets as a child? Ms. Piggy

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had? The ankle. Ugh. I can’t talk about it.

39. Do you love where you live? I’ve grown to love it. It’s definitely home, but I’m not opposed to moving some day – to a place with more Fall and Spring and less Summer and Winter

40. How many TVs do you have in your house? 1

41. Who is your loudest friend? can I be my own friend? I think I’m the loudest in my circle of friends

42. Who is your most silent friend? Carolyn, if she’s feeling shy

43. Does anyone have a crush on you? Who doesn’t have a crush on me? Duh.

44. Do you wish on shooting stars? Sometimes.

45. What is your favorite book? The Dirt: Confessions of the World’s Most Notorious Rock Band (Mötley Crüe)

46. What is your favorite candy? m&ms

47. Favorite Sports Team? Don’t got

48. What music do you want played at your funeral? “When the man comes around” by Johny Cash

49. First thing you thought of when you woke up today? don’t hit snooze.

50. Favorite dessert? éclairs, cream puffs, yummy cake… Newman-Os. See, I told you I’ve been stress eating.

As penance for my bad attitude and dirty mouth I will post some musical goodness.

First of all, I found some fanfrickingtastic mashups by A(plus)D. I usually hate mashups, but these are really well done, amusing and in some cases brrrilliant. Here are some of my faves.

deceptafreakon – Missy Elliott vs. Le Tigre

love will tear you apart – Joy Division vs. Bauhaus

I just called to say you’re a rude little pig – Alec Baldwin vs. Stevie Wonder

standing in the way of connection – the Gossip vs. Elastica

unpretty today – TLC vs. Smashing Pumpkins

To say it’s a flawed, disjointed, bizarre film lacking any sense or meaning or humor or point, beyond that of self-obsessed, whiney, white-male entitlement and bitterness would be an understatement. Perhaps the longest understatement in human history, but an understatement nonetheless. 

Terry Zwigoff and Daniel Clowes give us a fantastically boring tale of one, semi-talented artist named, uhhh –, something, whatever, it doesn’t matter. Whatever his name was, he was a fucking lame-ass slack – obsessed with ass far outside of his pay grade. So, he goes to a particular school to find said ass, er… excuse me, muse. I ask you, did Zwigott or Clowes ever get laid? because their obsessive feelings of entitlement to young, beautiful girls is more than slightly creepy. 

On his journey to the pits of utter unlike-ability and worthlessness as a central character he meets some lame art teachers and just about every misogynistic female stereotype in the know universe. 

i.e. beautiful, but personality-less muse; bull-dyke; hot, lipstick lesbian; girl who cries when her art is criticized; screaming murder victim; classic slut; crazy, emotional girl, cock tease, ball busters galore… ugh, I’m getting tired. 

Not one of the female characters in this movie is portrayed as being even remotely talented. The two female artists who display confidence in their work are played as delusional and are overtly mocked. 

Then of course, there is our protagonist’s lovely muse. She is portrayed as the one ray of female light…and despite being undeniably pretty – her character is vacant and void of any discernible talents of her own – other than being naked, pouting and presumably “other stuff.” 

By the end of film I felt empty. Like I had wasted my netflix dollar..and that’s a mighty hard-to-waste dollar. I love movies. I love art. I love satire. But, this movie made me hate all three. In fact I don’t know if I can ever watch a movie again. (Barring of course Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 – and I mean that without irony)

I will say it gave me an idea for my next art piece though. I’m thinking about putting Zwigoff’s dick in a vice and telling him that’s just what teenaged poon-tang feels like. 

What do you think? Too literal?

Oh! yes, we were on our way to the MST3K reunion line (2 hours early, I should point out). We got to the ballroom and were promptly, metaphorically bitch-slapped by another Dirty Harry security dick.

Us: Did you just say the line was closed?

Dick: THERE IS NO LINE.

Us: What?

Dick: THE LINE IS CLOSED.

Us: Wait – so, the line is closed?

Dick: THERE IS NO LINE.

Us: But, wait – so is this the line for the Mystery Science panle?

Dick: YES! THERE IS NO LINE. IT’S CLOSED. THERE’S TOO MANY PEOPLE. BLAH BLAH BLAH. 

*Sidebar – this fucking VIsa commercial where Morgan Freeman tells us about the runner who “didn’t finish first…or second… but, he…AND his father, finished.” It’s emotional terrorism. I get teary on command every time it comes on and when I remember it’s a fucking Visa commercial, I feel like a stranger just jammed their thumb up my butt. 

Anyway, so slightly defeated we sat around for a minute, before remembering that we have balls and that we don’t take shit, from glorified Michael Chickless impersonators. We decided to find the end of the line and stand in it. Take that. 

Luckily, on our way outside the building and presumably out into the street we found Debra (Lars and James’ highschool friend). She sweetly allowed us to join the line with her. Now, I realize that butting 5 people into a line is kind of rude, but line etiquette, as we all know it, allows friends to save spaces and places and that’s just the way the fricking world works. It’s happened to me a million times, waiting in nerdy movie lines. But, apparently the rules of the universe don’t apply to a dipshit Torgo impersonator and/or his apparently mute, hairy-backed brother – who were so pissed that they bitched for the entire two hours… even AFTER we let them get in front of all of us. 

They kept turning around and giving us shit looks and mumbling..and talking shit to anyone who would listen. Let me repeat myself – this was AFTER we let them go in front of us. Let it go, Torgo. How can someone so obsessed with a comedy show have NO sense of humor?

10 years later, the line that wasn’t a line started to move and unbelievably we got closer and closer to the entrance. That’s when the panic set in. Holy shit – they’re actually counting every person now – holy shit, holy shit… 21, 22, 23, 24, …. holy shit, holy shit…. 31, 32 (Torgo and shitbird are in), 33 (me), 34 (Brooke)… 

I turned around to make sure everyone else in our and Debra’s party were getting in and uttered, “Oh man, I’d feel so guilty if…” and before I could finish the sentence, Shitbird turns around and says, “WHAT? If those people don’t get in because you cut in line!”

Like – as we’re fucking going into the ballroom. I leapt to the most obvious response, “Fuck you, asshole.”

BUT, we were in! So fuck ‘em. 

7:45pm- The MST3K Reunion Panel. It was awesome. Mostly because none of us could believe they were all right there, in the same room with us. Even Tom Servo. Nerds. 

9pm – Kayla (James and Brooke’s and now my friend) had a great idea. She decided to get a “bathroom pass” for that ballroom so we can help out some poor soul in the next enormous line. So, we ran to the other side and started scoping out prospects – until we find the perfect guy, who is actually in line by himself. Kayla gave him the pass, but he was skeptical (for like a second). Once we turned around to make our way back to the crew, he finally understood what was what and started hauling ass to the door. Good karma all around. 

9:20 ish – San Diego Critical Mass has completely corked up the gaslamp district and specifically, the Con crowd. At first we were cheering them on. Hey – we’re all bike riders, woo hoo!! But, as pedestrians, we just wanted to cross the street so we could go to a place that wasn’t a convention center, a place where we could eat something called real food. So, James and I busted a move when the light changed, when all of the sudden Critical Mass decided to mass up our walking asses. What the hell? I’m not a car. They were totally biking right into our knees and acting like total fucknuts. 

We walked many blocks back to the car and finally ate some yummy food. 

Comic-Con was awesome, but it’s not the end of the story. 

TO BE CONTINUED

There was a very, very weird flight attendant who looked a little like Valerie’s husband on t.v.’s Valerie.

We were at the very front of the plane, so we got to sit across from him. It was awesome because I could never look directly ahead because he would consistently try to catch my gaze. BOO!

The plane finally landed and I took this picture in the Buca di Beppo bathroom in the “gaslamp” district. I know – it’s not very original, but it did the trick for two strangers in a strange town.

James picked us up and took us to our host, Ann’s house. We did some hanging and then went straight to bed to prepare for our big, nerd day.

9:30-ish in the morning we arrived and picked up our badges.

*James and Brooke (our amazingly sweet Comic-Con benefactors) look through their shwag.

At approximately 9:45 – I lost my badge.

9:50 – James discovers Starbuck’s ass at the SciFi Channel booth.

9:55 – Lars and James find Jaba. He was just chillin.

*10:00 – Brooke and I begin our quest to get me a new badge. This seems like it would be easy, but after asking 16 different “security” donkey-fucks, who had no idea what to tell us to do, it turned into a much longer adventure. I mean, it seems only logical that more than just little ol’ me, would lose their badge at such a chaotic and busy event, right? So, one may assume they would be prepared for the question, “What do I do if I’ve lost my badge?” But, no. In the end we had to go all the way back to registration – to the “Badge Resolution” booth. (Or something like that – I’ve honestly blocked some of this out). After a hefty wait and $7, I was presented with a shiny new badge and a brief scolding to not lose it again…even though they fully admitted to most likely giving me a faulty lanyard in the first place. Whatevs.

Yes! There were THIS many people… and yes, I still enjoyed myself.

James spotted Mark Sheppard, AKA “Romo Lampkin” from BSG at the SciFi booth. When we asked if we could take his picture he sort of rolled his eyes, sighed and said, “Uhh, just take it.” He was so NICE!!!

We met the Owl ship from Watchmen.
I impersonated the Owl ship.

After a good amount of time exploring the Expo or “the floor” as we geeks like to call it, and being man-handled and bumped up against approximately 900 times – we made our way upstairs to stand in a 2 hour line to see Joss Whedon & co. at the Dr. Horrible panel.

*The dumb part is, we had been in the very front of the line. Well, James was in the very front of the line, so we thought – hey, we’ll go check out the “Gay Legion” panel while he sits here for a bit. Only, while we were enjoying our homo-awesome panel, James texted to say that they let him him already and that we should hurry back and get in line. First, we tried sneaking in – (we’re talking about ME, people – I mean, please, I had to try) BUT, we got magnificently busted by some Dirty Hairy security hack with a headset, so off to the back of the line we went. Within 5 minutes our “back of the line” turned into the dead, early middle. Nerds love their Whedon. Here is what the line looked like:

*The panel was fun, but the room was ginormous, so the whole thing felt a little surreal and weird. Joss & Co. were cute and funny, but it was kind of a dicksuck fest in the end – which has got to be a tired routine for someone like him. I mean, he is a frickin’ genius. I’m on board with that, but still, enough already. Dr. Horrible is awesome and you should download it from iTunes this instant – just don’t call up Joss Whedon and refer to his “verse” or I’ll have to put your balls in a vice. This is what the Dr. Horrible panel looked like (some pics are from the gigantic screen and one is of our “actual perspective”):

After Joss we headed to the Lynda Barry panel, which was seriously phenomenal…and kind of criminally easy to get in to.

*Lynda Barry was by far my favorite panel at “the CON.” She was funny and warm and nervous and brilliant, but more than that – she was inspiring. As James said, “she alone was worth the price of admission.”

After Lynda Barry, we went back to “the floor” to look around…and I for one got more than I bargained for. It shouldn’t surprise anyone that there are girls, women, etc.. who roll around “the Con” in teensy, weensy outfits doing all they can to entrance the nerds into photographing them. One such feeemale was in the bathroom, top down – wiping the sweat off of her fake teeters with a paper towel. I violated her privacy by taking this blurry photo. (She’s behind me in the white cheerleader skirt)

After I got to see a girl’s cans, Lars got to see Matt Groening at the FOX booth. (That’s him in the background). *This is more our style of “celebrity” photography. We’re more drive-by shooters, which is admittedly almost as lame, but at least Matt never had to say, “Uhh, just take it.”

After finding some amazing “indie” scores on the floor (*including our “igloo tornado” Hall & Oates t-shirts), we headed up to the MST3K 20th Anniversary Reunion panel. So young, so innocent. We had no idea that standing in a 3 hour line could be so dramatic.

TO BE CONTINUED.

*Sidebar– there’s currently an older woman walking around with a baby-blue-neck-pillow around her neck, dragging her overnight bag all over the place. The airport confuses me. 

So, our Comic-Con adventure is coming to an end and I have so much to share with you – of course I might need to sleep first because as you can probably imagine, it’s a long – long story. For now, please do enjoy my photos on Flickr and look forward to hearing about:

-the losing of my badge

-the endless, walking/ sweating/ waiting (sounds bad, which is was, but it wasn’t. Sorry, that was some Tom Cruise-like circular bullshit I just spewed at you, but it will make sense later, I swear). 

-the fucking LINES. Holy Jabbering shit! The lines.

-the costumes

-the panels (that we could actually freaking get into to. Did I mention the lines?)

-the balls-up security detail

-the food

-the bacon-greasiness of me

-soft water and how San Diego gave me pretty, soft hair…

-and swollen, puffy cankle feet

-new friends

-yummy food eaten

-cute pets of new friends

-the finer points of “line etiquette” 

-fucking “Torgo” and his hairy-backed brother – who are forever my enemies

-Plan 9/ Rifftrax

-Lestat’s 

-awesome James and awesome Brooke

-and finally, how in the end I never met John Barrowman or sat on David Boreanez’ lap, but it was still a fanfuckingtastic time anyway. 

Amen.

Will try to write and post pictures from “the road.”

Both entertained me in ways that I can only describe as: erotic. Okay – maybe not erotic, but close. Very close. 

Mamma Mia was completely stupid. Let me admit that outright – but, it was so enjoyably, infectiously stupid and fun that I pretty much laughed my fanny off for two hours. Please, Remington Steele rocking S.O.S. – you would love it too, even if you didn’t admit it. 

Dark Knight was beyond awesome. So much so that talking about it here seems like a betrayal of it’s massive amazingness. Like when my “Beat Literature” teacher explained that Jack Kerouac didn’t write about his sexual exploits in On the Road because they were too special or sacred or whateverthefuck… or in High Fidelity, after Rob sleeps with Marie “the Predator” LaSalle and talks about the Charlie Rich song, Behind Closed Doors – Well, that’s how I feel about the Batman. I can say we had a good time. I can say that. 

S.O.S.

When my brother was born, he hypnotized my parents with his adorableness and I quickly and officially got the “oldest child” shaft. 

I’ve tried not to hold it against him. I mean, I wasn’t made of steel. I was just as charmed by his sweetness as everyone else, but really.

Case and point #1: Halloween 1982

“Angel” in a bag vs. “Home-made, super-sweet, bumblebee” costume. 

Case and point #2: Halloween 1983

“Fairy Princess Ballerina” in a bag vs. “Home-made, super-sweet He-Man” costume 

Some major “life” things have been going down and you know how it is- sometimes you want to “talk” about it and sometimes you just want to breathe in and breathe out and try not to freak out in silence. 

Money is particularly tight right now and for some reason we just can’t seem to catch a break or catch up. It’s been kind of emotionally suffocating me because we’ve been doing everything right. We’ve made and are sticking to a budget – but, shitballs! could things stop breaking, dying and being sick?? The universe’s answer lately has been – NO! So, the unexpected, unplanned for things are KILLING our bank account and therefor, my soul. Just a little bit. I’m sure it will all work out, but for now, I cast blame on George Bush and the lesbian couple who bought that house for $105 thousand bucks on our street. BLAME. Blaaaaaame. 

The good news is, despite our crappy finances we’re taking a weekend holiday trip to San Diego for Comic-Con. Nerdfest, geekgasm extravaganza – Comic-Con and I can’t bloody wait. 

Our good and wonderful friends Jim and Brooke got us tickets (as a wedding gift – don’t you love them already?) and we pretty much spazzed ourselves silly.

The “cute” aspect is that it will be the weekend marking our 7th anniversary. Holy balls! SEVEN YEARS of Tracy & Lars!

I plan to celebrate by dressing up as Nurse Chapel and sitting on Edward James Olmos’ lap.

Anyway – what I did want to talk to you ever so briefly about is Dexter. You wouldn’t think a show about a serial killer could be so delightful, but really – it is. 

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=KdZmMiHTaVc][youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=ej8-Rqo-VT4][youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=TrlCqJffEdY][youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=Efq6JQ0tqgU]

Even though Oprah taught America that most women are wearing the wrong size bra, (wearing the band-size too large and the cups too small) the American lingerie industry still insists that we’re all somewhere between and 28A and a 55DD. For years I wore a 42DD…and for years I was uncomfortable. You can’t imagine what it was like the day I finally figured out I was actually a 38G. 

You heard me – 38G. I know, that sounds ridonkulously giganimous. But, guess, what – it isn’t. I mean, it’s substantial, but, you couldn’t sell tickets to see my tits in a side show or anything. But, America, being the shame culture it is, would have me remain in my uncomfortable 42DD, because who wants to make a fat, old stanky G-cup bra? Especially since they have to spend all their energies padding tinier bras, so tiny boobies can feel bad about themselves too. Ah, the insanity of “industry.”

I have to buy my bras online, from England, where apparently it’s okay to have fancy knockers. Not only do their bras fit me, but they’re gorgeous. No more granny-tank bras, for me, thanks. 

The only real drawback is the price. The exchange rate (as you may know) isn’t the best right now, so one of my standard favorites is around $80!!!!! For ONE BRA! 

Because I’m thrifty, I usually make them last as long as I can, but recently decided to search for a more reasonably priced over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder. I was extremely happy (so happy I’m blogging about it) to find 2 different bras by Elomi (yes, they’re European!) that fit the bill…and were only priced around $40. 

They arrived yesterday and I could NOT be happier with them. You can’t imagine what wearing the right bra, in the right size, with a pretty design can do for a girl’s self-image. 

So today, they finally called to tell me that our loan would not being going through. The reason: our appraisal. When we refinanced a year and a half ago our house appraised at $184,000 – this year, after thousands of dollars and many hours of sweat and the cliche tears remodeling the front half of the house – $147,000. Our house has (I can barely stand to type it) depreciated flipping 40 grand!!!!

I was completely speechless on the phone. Quickenloans-Colleen just kept yapping at me about “comparables” and how people on our street have been, “giving their homes away.” One house that’s pretty close to ours sold for $144,000 and another right down the street that’s a bit smaller for $105! That’s less than we paid for our craphole 3 years ago. 

I can’t believe it’s really gotten that bad. When I first talked to Quickenloans-Colleen, she was surprised that houses in our zip code hadn’t really gone down that much… and all but assured me that it would at least appraise for the same amount as last time. 

I’ve been in a depressive state, staring at my computer, drooling and growing zits since 4 o’clock when she called me. 

Oh and listening to this:

heroes-(david-bowie-cover) – Magnetic Fields 

and this: What Light – Wilco

Over and over and over and over. 

Part of me wants to punch someone – someone that looks like George Bush. The other part of me feels too weak from ennui to even be bothered. 

BUT, I’m an ass-kicker, I don’t roll over for anybody – not some 9ft tall, bitch-appraiser, not Quickenloans, not Bank of America, not Capital One, not the Tesoro station, and certainly not the rich-male-white-corporate oppression of our current administration.  

I mean, really let’s be clear – gas costs $4.20 and my house is worth shit – but, our economy’s great, right? I hate to repeat myself, but fuck you, George Bush. Fuck you hard and deep, right in the ass. 

To that end – (and earlier when I was in a better mood) I created my own fundraising goal for Barack Obama. If you’ve got 5 bucks or more to spare, please click the donating link in my sidebar. I’ll love you forever and ever. 

And also a full length download of Palace’s “San Francisco Sucks Sometimes.” 

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_5q9c5YXTo]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjdPmJs9PiQ]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ql_sSvpcT6k]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmTQHkvV3bQ]

San Francisco Sucks Sometimes – by Palace

Seriously, when was the last time you watched a reality show in which women talked about the validity of their metaphors?

I love this show like a person and I would by any album that Miss Cherry, Rece Steele, Byata, Nikki-2-States, and Lady Twist put out. For reals ya’ll.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=4XzE1nFDUOI]

I think I actually (in complete 2 am desperation) added 4400 pixels of padding somewhere. In my line of work we call that INSANE – but, it couldn’t be helped there was some stoopid, random border image that was nowhere to be found and the only way to hide it was to push the padding down, well 4000 pixels or so. I’m going to mess with it, I guess, which brings me to this post’s title.

How much do you want to bet, I mess with this template about 10 more times before I’m even moderately satisfied?

Sigh. So tired.

I leave you with a fantastic song to download, because I feel incredibly sorry for the .5 people who may have stumbled upon this site while I was fiddling.

Another Fight (Theoretical Girl Cover)-Lightspeed Champion

2. My flippin’ car is dead. Again. Did I mention?

3. I consistently missed opportunities to hang out with my sweet friends because my non-sweet cell phone was being a shitball.

4. I tried to write a song and failed – miserably.

5. I rode my bike everywhere, but I’m still fat.

6. I have to get up 2 hours early tomorrow.

7. I’m going to have to “bus it” to my dentist appointment during my lunch hour tomorrow.

8. Oh yeah, I’ve got a dentist appointment.

9. Battlestar Galactica is on a million year hiatus and I’m all, “Holy balls!”

10. I’ve been listening to this Emmy the Great song on repeat for the past 2 hours.

Canopies and Grapes

Suck on that, oil companies. I know that most of America is just putting your gas hike on their credit cards, but not me. I’ve reached my limit. I’m hoping others have too. I know it’s not possible to ride my bike everywhere, but, I definitely plan to ride it whenever I can.

P.S. Hills are hard.

P.P.S. Riding your bike makes you mega hungry.

Nasty. Why do I watch this show?

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Like 5 minutes ago…don’t worry – it was nothing serious. I couldn’t get a link to display properly, which would make you cry too. Don’t lie.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING
Not at all. Especially now that I mostly type things. I’m starting to lose the muscles in my hand that move the pen – so it’s gotten much, much worse.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? I’m not much of a “lunch meat” person, but I’ll eat an Italian sandwich at Caputto’s.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? not yet.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Duh

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Only with Tawnya

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? I do.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? For money, yes.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Honey Nut Cheerios

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Ick

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Totally.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? The Spotted Dog – Peanut Butter Cup

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? If they’re crazy or mean or both.

15. RED OR PINK? Red.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My gut.

17. WHOM DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Mi familia.

18. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Amy’s Lentil Soup

19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Wings – 4 realz

20. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Whatever

21. FAVORITE SMELLS?
grass, bar-b-q, stargazer lilies, my dogs’ frito smell, ocean

22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Some ho at work

23. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Law & Order SVU

24. HAIR COLOR? brownish

25. EYE COLOR? brownish-greenish

26. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Yes

27. FAVORITE FOOD? anything that has been on our bbq grill – I’m almost certain that dog turds would taste good if grilled.

28. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Eh? I just like closure.

29. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Lars and the Real Girl

30. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? I’m wearing a dress. Sexist.

31. SUMMER OR WINTER? Spring and Fall, please!!!!

32. HUGS OR KISSES? I’ll never understand why this is always a question on surveys. It would be really weird if someone was kissing you without hugging you, wouldn’t it?

33. FAVORITE DESSERT? Frozen mini-éclairs

34. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? A Man Without Country by Kurt Vonnegut

35. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Do you really even need to ask this: Law & Order, followed by Law & Order SVU, followed by Countdown with Keith Olbermann.

36. FAVORITE SOUND? clicky keyboards, the ocean, good music

37. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? I love them both, but right now I’m on a Stones kick. Yesterday I listened to Let it Bleed like 30 times.

38. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Iran in 1977.

39. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Only 1? Puh-lease. I have several, none of which I’ll discuss with the internet.

40. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Miami Beach, Florida

I swear to god – I hear those words and my Pavlovian response is to sink my ass deeper into the couch and stare. I used to be an original (“O.G.”) Law & Order purest, but lately I’ve been sucked (and I do mean sucked) into the bowels of that unit we call, “special.” (DUN! DUN!)

SVU never did anything for me in the past. I was always left wondering – hey, jerks! Where’s the frickin’ “Law” part? Or is it order? I’m never sure which is which. Anyway – my point is, the original has that soothing (DUN DUN!) formula. You know that at half-past the hour you’ll be seeing some Sam Waterston being cranky and hashing out the case with any one of his unbearably skinny brunette cohorts. (Or if the eppie is rockin’ it old school you might get some Michael Moriarty and that guy from The Crow II). (DUN! DUN!)

Lately though, I’ve been completely seduced by Mariska Hargitay’s overacting, Ice-T’s underacting and Christopher Meloni and Richard Belzer’s general awesomeness. (Even though Belzer’s “Munch” character in no way reflects its original portrayal on Homicide.)

(DUN! DUN!)

Overall, I think SVU could still use a little more “Law” or is it “Order?” but, that didn’t stop me from watching 6 straight hours of it yesterday, now did it? Nope. No ma’am. (The NAMBLA episode was particularly suh-weet).
(DUN! DUN!)

I think it was 1998-ish, Tawnya was working at the library when she called Angie to whisper (very intensely) that “Kyle Secor is in Special Collections right now – get down here!”

Angie flung open the bathroom door to tell me the news. I leaped out, mid-shower with one unshaved leg, Angie tossed on some blue culottes, I clothed myself somehow and we were out the door and into the car in less than 4 minutes.

When we got to the library (looking positively insane, I’m sure) – we parked ourselves (very loudly) at the table behind him. He was wearing a flannel shirt and some sweatpants with dress shoes and studying very intently the story of Joe Hill.

We never said a word – just stared at him until he left. Sigh.

Anyway – here’s pretty much exactly how I felt that day.

If you enjoy listening to cute nerds talk about abstract science (and I know you do – because if you’re reading this we’re probably friends) – you’ll like this. Trust me

Feel the love.

Blog etiquette prevents me from yapping at you about work, but I’ll just say this: I’m going INSANE.

Home is another matter – I’m such an idiot that I scheduled payments to one of our credit cards for two months in a row with my old debit card number. They finally sent a letter. It went something like this:

Hello Ms. Medley,

You are a dumb ass.

We forgot to tell you this earlier, because we don’t care.

Thanks for letting us raise your interest rate.

Oh, yeah – we know you’ve never been late with a payment before, but have we reminded you lately that we suckle Satan’s sweaty, goat-balls?

Stank you very much,

Capital One

P.S.

Stay sweet and oh yeah, we charged you about $300 in fees, which put you over your limit – so, we charged you some more fees.

P.P.S.

Once your account is in good standing again and while your eating dog food for the rest of the month, remember you can always put pictures of cute kittens on your credit card.

Always busting my balls, this guy.

So today, Carolyn and I sit down and the first thing he does is tell me that I can’t have my half-empty bottle of water on the premises because of “Utah liquor laws.” Okay. Then, out of nowhere he picked Carolyn’s purse up from the ground and placed it over the arm of her chair. I was still annoyed from the bottled water incident, but suddenly it clicked – the COMPULSIVE way he picked it up- like all of the little circuits in his brain might explode if he had to look at that desultory purse for one more second.

And just like that – I loved him.

I wanted to pinch his cheeks when he just had to wipe that errant bit of tea from our table and when he just couldn’t leave that one piece of shredded lettuce alone.

But, the absolute clincher was delivered with our check. The perfectly symmetrical receipts, the carefully placed pens, both evenly spaced from the center of the bill book. Sigh. Oh, Pat-rigg – we are kindred, crazy souls.

Yesterday some rich bitches and their wives gathered at Mitt Romney’s palatial Deer Valley “vacation” home to give each other hand jobs, worship snakes and chug down the blood of some poor children they kidnapped from Pioneer Park, probably.

I mean, the paper says they were just “quietly raising money for John McCain.” Right. Just like I’m “quietly” raising an army of thugs and shit-kickers to wage class-warfare on these blue-haired, ol’ mummies who can’t think of something better to do with 70 grand.

I dedicate the following to him. (*Warning – there is a very unexpected dirty word uttered, so don’t watch around your kiddies*)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJkUMYvbV5E&hl=en]

I went to Shopko (Ugh), then ToysR’Us (Ugh – when did that store become so filthy and disgusting?), then some completely lame sporting goods store. I still had about half an hour so I decided to go to another bike store to look for a bike basket, but while in the left-hand turn lane of one of the busiest intersections in Salt Lake, during rush hour traffic – my car completely died.

The flashers wouldn’t even turn on, so I had to get out of the car and stand behind it. It was so totally humiliating – people were yelling at me and gesturing and basically abusing me for being in their way for about 45 minutes. Then two cops (who I really hoped were strippers, because that’s the only thing that could have made this scene any more embarrassing) showed up to help, but also to make me feel like a dumb shit.

Officer: Um, why aren’t your flashers on.

Me: Oh, I tried to put them on, but they don’t work.

Officer: MM hmm. Let me just get in there and try ‘em.

Like, if my fucking flashers worked I wouldn’t just put them on instead of standing in the middle of the road like an asshole.

The tow truck finally came and I got to walk back to the bike shop to pick up my bike. I can’t decide if that makes the whole story poetic or ironic.

My sister posted this photo on her Flickr account over the weekend and I had to blog about it because it captures exactly what it’s like to do any sort of “activity” with our dad.
Now, let me be clear – we love our papa, but when it comes to golfing, boating, shopping, eating at restaurants and picking out Christmas trees – he is bat-shit-crazy. (In the most awesome way, of course).
When I lived at home, my dad drove me insane – I mean, frankly we didn’t always have the best relationship, but, I had no idea how much I would miss all of his quirky behaviors.
Like, now – when he asks the waitress for another fork or chides her for mixing up our drinks (like, it’s the easiest job in the world to remember what drink 900 schmoes order in a day), I can’t help grinning from ear to ear.
How do all of those things our parents do – that made us cringe and die inside from humiliation when we were younger, become the things we love and miss the most? I know that’s probably not the case for people who’ve never lived very far away from their folks – but, it’s definitely true for me.
This picture made me laugh out loud and made me miss my family like crazy. I can’t wait to see them all in August – hopefully I can convince my dad that it’s never too early to start shopping for the perfect Christmas tree.

I rode a bike this weekend for the first time in 15 years… the anxiety of dicks thinking thoughts like these is what kept me off of them – but, those days are gone, assholes. I’m gonna ride my bike and I may even buy an ice-cream cone while I’m at it, you fucks.

I know I’m not the only almost-34 year-old to look at her current “lady” self and think, wow – at least I used to be cool…at least I hope I’m not.

It’s a funny thing to think, especially given that my “cool” window was both extremely debatable and also notably short. I was not cool in high school or even college. For me, cool came the year after I graduated. The year I picked up a guitar and inherited a free drum kit from a friend.

Angie and I spent hours holed up in our apartment crafting hilarious songs about Rivers Cuomo’s obession with little Japanese girls and our own obsession with telling all of our ex-boyfriends to not-so-politely “fuck off and die.” It started small, like that.

Soon after, we placed an ad for a drummer and started a band. It was fun at first, but short lived due to (be nice) friction with one of the members. Angie and I continued to play on our own. I learned to play the drums and we started playing shows – in front of people. We were different and whether people came to see us because they actually liked our music or because they thought we were an adorable little sideshow, didn’t really matter. We were having fun and I think for the first time felt confident and like we were contributing something.

That summer we organized a “grrrl” art collective called U.G.G.L.I.E.S. (Underground Girls Getting Loud, Independent and Electric in SLC) and organized and planned a benefit show for the Rape Recovery Center in Salt Lake. Though UGGLIES crashed in burned pretty quickly, I’m still more proud of that silly show than I am of almost anything else I’ve ever done. Ever.

It wasn’t too long after that when Angie and I became the hosts of a pretty popular, local radio show…and I mean, I ask you – is there anything cooler than hosting a radio show?

I never felt cool while all this was happening. I was just douchey ol’ me, lumbering around, banging on drums and screaming/ giggling into microphones. It was Lars that first put the “C” word into my head. We were driving in his white Honda and I think we had just gotten together – anyway, I was blah-blah-blahing about something and he said, “What? You’re the coolest girl I’ve ever met.”

Uh. Huh?

I don’t do any of that stuff anymore. I haven’t picked up drum sticks in over a year and eep! microphones at present, scare me. I’m a “lady” now whether I like it or not. I spend more time thinking about babies and home repair than I do about punk rock and activism. It’s not that I’ve given up those principles or deleted The Buzzcocks from my iTunes – it’s just that – hmmm - I think I’ve relaxed…and it’s nice.

I’ve been thinking a lot about playing music again. Of all my former cool-girl activities, it’s definitely the thing I miss the most, but we’ll see, I mean, I’m old – I might not be able to lift the sticks or hold that heavy guitar thingie.

One head of cabbage (chopped)
One yellow squash (chopped)
One zucchini (chopped)
One clove of garlic (chopped)
2 thingies of organic chicken or veggie stock
Some chopped parsley and chives
1 BIG can of organic diced tomatoes
Salt, pepper and cayenne pepper to taste
Shredded parmesan cheese to sprinkle on top

*Optional for my meat eating readers- organic smoked sausage (chopped)

Dump everything in a pot, cover and cook on medium for up to two hours

I’m now on Day 6 of The Stupidest Cold in the Universe. Each new day brings with it another exciting new symptom.

Day 1 – Scratchy, phlegmy throat
Day 2 – Stinging, burny throat, swollen glands, massive headache
Day 3 – Irritated throat, watery eyes, excessive sneezing
Day 4 – Blurred vision, insomnia, slight sniffles
Day 5 – Really blurred vision, completely insane dry cough that made my brain feel like it was getting totally bitch-slapped by my skull
Day 6 – My head and chest are a safe haven for extremist goo. Number of tissues used: approximately 900. Today, I’m a total “mouth breather.” Sigh.

Total cold medicines purchased: 5! (Theraflu Day, Theraflu Night, Sudafed (WORTHLESS unless I decide to develop an awesome Meth habit), Delsym Cough and Tylenol Allergy Multi-Symtom.

There has to be some point at which my my throat says to itself, “Tickling dryness? What tickling dryness?” It will say that and it will feel…I don’t know whatever normal throats feel like. It’s been awhile I’ve forgotten.

I just can’t wait for my throat to stop acting like this:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tJjNVVwRCY&hl=en]

Sunday morning, as expected my throat was on fire and my head felt just like this. I hate to use internet cliches, but wtf?

-Finishing my English degree at the University of Utah

-Sitting in my bedroom, listening to Eliott Smith and pouting

-Learning to play the electric guitar with Angie

-Writing really hilariously pretentious songs with said electric guitar. Sample lyrics: You wanna’ do me /you say you can see through me /now you wanna be my friend ….and… You wanna’ go to Greek Souvlaki, don’t you???

-Learning about this really cool “e-mail” thing.

-Eating a lot of Wendy’s and Taco Bell

-Spending lots of excess student loan money I never thought I’d have to pay back

-Dying my hair blue before a family reunion

-Discovering Riot Grrrl bands

2. Five things on my to-do list

-Go to Costco

-Get a haircut

-Build a fence

-Finish cleaning out the back bedroom

-Go to Stein Mart and buy some emergency, silky, granny panties because my sanitary napkin decided to reject my menses. Oh wait – I already did that.

3. What snacks do I enjoy?

ice-tea from Starbucks and French Chocolate

4. What would I do if I suddenly became a billionaire?

-Pay off all outstanding debts and the debts of all my friends and family

-Quit my job/ quit Lars’ job for him

-Buy a nicer house

-Buy two nicer cars

-Plan many vacations

-Help some folks

5. Three bad habits

-Getting ice-tea from Starbucks

-Blogging at work

-Internet shopping – I’d say don’t tell Lars, but I always know I’m in trouble when I get home and Lars says, “What’s in the box?”

6. 3 places I’ve lived

-Homestead, FLA

-West Yellowstone, MT

-Vancouver, WA

7. Jobs I’ve had

-Bar hop

-Dollar Store clerk

-McDonalds drive-thru cashier

-Fake perfume terrorist

8. Five things people don’t know about me

-I don’t know if there are five things, I mean, I did just tell you about the granny panties and my rag-spillage.

-I don’t care how good Fellini’s movies are – I think they’re kind of boring

-I have a deformed, little toe

-eh… that’s all I can come up with.

9. Tag 5 people

-As the person who mind-tagged me said, you all know who you are, now git’ to it.

“FATAL ERROR,” the webpage said. Fatal? Really? Could the powers-that-be not come up with something less…deathy? Less, “Dear Lateshoes, You are now totally fired.” -ish? 

After a few very intense moments of utter panic and denial I found a way to fix the problem. Which, basically means, I had to call for help, though “scream” for help would more accurately describe it. 

It’s all better now, but I still have the shakes and that unsettled feeling you get after narrowly escaping a horrible car accident. 

On the upside, the person who used to administrate this website (the one I didn’t kill…who told you that?) used it to store all of their Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan-fic and it’s pure gold. 

“What can I do for you?” Giles enquired of her, glancing at

the clock to confirm that it was well past school hours – in

fact, it was into the hours which Buffy and her friends usually

spent bunched together dancing to that dreadful apology for

music at the Bronze night spot.  He could be sure that the

girl hadn’t come for a book.

 

Buffy shifted from foot to foot, and Giles tried to read her

mood.  For once, he was looking up rather than down at her

periwinkle eyes, and it was nice to see her without her neck

craned back.  Buffy looked unsettled.  Restless.

 

“I got an itch,” she stated, picking up one of his ornaments,

turning it over in her manicured hands, setting it back

impatiently on its stand.  ”I’ve got this sudden and irrational

urge to go out and kill bad guys.”  She wasn’t smiling

anymore.  She was frightened – her eyes pleading him for

answers to her inner questions.

 

Giles supposed that it must be a worry, waking up to

murderous feelings like that.  And so young: sixteen years

old, and already a trained killer – the Slayer.  The world’s best

weapon against the darkness which threatened to engulf it. And right

now she was feeling pre-menstrual or something and she was

experiencing the instinctive need to hunt and destroy the undead.

 

“That’s good,” he told her with a kindly smile.  Giles thought

that he was getting better at saying what Buffy wanted, or

needed, to hear.  ”Grand.  Let’s go hunting.” 

There are many factors: good premise, excellent writing, unique casting, extraordinary acting, but if you want your show to speak to me, it must, more than anything have a team of richly written and acted, living-breathing-flesh-and-blood characters. 

Lars and I have been re-watching Battlestar Galactica, and it’s hard to imagine a show (barring The Wire) that has managed to create so many characters I believe in. So, I’ll share a few of my favorites: (And no, I won’t just say everyone, thought I easily could – excluding stupid Dualla and Kat who both totally bite the space-weeny)

Saul Tigh- “Looked like a boiled egg.” He’s just wonderfully flawed and amazing. Watching his transformation from the hapless, drunk XO to the Captain Ahab of the resistance movement on New Caprica made me believe in him, even though I knew he would totally break my heart.

Gaius Baltar- Which Biblical archetype hasn’t Gaius played? From Judas to Jesus, Gaius is truly confused and confusing. Just when you think he cares, he commits an abhorrent act of self preservation…and just when you think he’s purely evil, he breaks your heart with unbearable kindness.

Kara Thrace- Oh Starbuck – she’s pure badass… or is she? This show has happily broken more rules of traditional “gender roles” than any other, and Kara is the best example of that.  

Leoben- What can I say? He’s certainly been the most chilling of all the Cylon models since the pilot.

Caprica Six- Oh, poor Caprica Six, how I’ve loved you ever since you snapped that infant’s neck like a twig in the mini-series. Other than Gaius, it’s hard to think of another character who’s changed more over the 4 seasons. From seductive mass-murderer to peacenick to pathetic Baltar-junkie to protector.

Admiral Adama- Well, duh.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbfFsm2MRes&hl=en]

And now as it was intended. You know I couldn’t leave you hanging with that musical equivalent of an epic “beer shit” lingering in your ears.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ksbaPmRDa60&hl=en]

Check him out as the lead in this super sassy “getting ready for the big cricket match” montage-of-power scene in Lagaan. It’s totally Eye-of-the-tiger-esque.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WsuA6oJ_Yk8&hl=en]

And sassily flying kites with Nandita Das in the film Earth.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVF4TfAYPZk&hl=en]

And being painfully cuddly on this creepy “Inside the Actor’s Studio” rip-off..

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYrYBhwRrOA&hl=en]

It should surprise no one that my Netflix is filled with Bollywood movies and Hindi art house films.

You totally deserve having your name attached to a blog whose permanent url has the word, “fluballs” in it

Thanks for the germs.

I’m a barmaid. I say things like, “Another Bud, Bubba?” while Bubba wipes the sweat from his porcine neck, licks his lips and says, “Actually I’m a little hungry – how ’bout you ferr an appetizer? Heh heh.”

I want to kill Bubba. I want someone to kill me. I had to lie about my age to get this stupid job in the first place – so it’s my own fault, but still.

Men are really stupid when they’re drunk. They piss me the fuck off. All night I’ve been daydreaming of breaking beer bottles and slicing throats. You wouldn’t believe some of the bullshit they say to me. Fuck. You. Drunkies! Fuuuuuck you.

I’m in the bathroom right now. Menstruation sucks. Cigarettes make me nauseous. Urrrrr.

There were certainly a few drawbacks to leaving that job behind – not seeing the very dear friends I made there as often is really the saddest and most pressing of my woes, but really for the job itself, I cannot complain.

My friends have moved on as well and when I think of us, together in the trenches, I really miss it. Not the trenches so much, but the bonds we created while trudging through them. My friend Lisa saw me make this face, probably countless times and even though I’m sharing it with all of you she’ll understand it better than anyone.

Another note to self- do not attempt to redesign a website after recoding the brutal CSS of a Microsoft product.

All code and no ice cream sandwiches make Lateshoes a sad girl.

But, all is well now and everything is pretty much as I intended this morning. Apparently all I needed was 5 episodes of season 2 Battlestar Galactica in the background and a Skinny Cow ice-cream sandwich to make the magic happen. See and you thought that ice-cream sandwich reference was totally random.

Silly.

No.

Now the muscles at the base of my spine are seized up tighter than Dick Cheney’s ass.

There was a time when I took the opening bass line of Transmission more seriously than my gigantic t-shirt collection and crunchy bangs. I would push play on my Sony discman and rock that shit with utterly disturbing levels of seriousness.

Now when that song pops up on my iPod, I find myself uncontrollably grinning from ear to ear. I turn it up and sing along and smile my brains out.

Driving back to work after a particularly lonely and depressing lunch at the park, Enjoy the Silence radiated from my crackling Subaru speakers and changed my mood entirely. I mean, Depeche Mode put me in a good mood, y’all!! And I guarantee you, Master and Servant would have made me even giddier.

I’m getting so old.

Inspired by Nicole at Making it Lovely, I ordered new collars for Stanley & Walter from Pattern & Paw. They arrived yesterday and they are so cute. My only regret is that I didn’t notice the upgrade option for a nickel plated buckles before I ordered. Oh well- I’m still completely happy, I mean look at how adorable they are?!

I used Nicole’s shrinky-dink dog tag template (which was wonderful and easy to use- Thanks Nicole!) to make new tags as well. I may have to tinker with these some more because even upon my second attempt, they still weren’t lying exactly flat. I think the oven may have been a bit too hot.

I tried not to be too anal about the whole thing – yes, I know…imagine!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkYvXmD94e0&hl=en]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHFWeoth52c&hl=en]

So, here goes:

Me, Lars and several friends are at Kelly & Shannon’s old apartment – only (and this part is creepy enough) we’re all hanging out on this giant bed.  Everybody is laughing and talking…whatever and then suddenly everyone is sleeping… together…in the giant bed. I’m kind dozing off when suddenly some guy lays completely on top of me. I start to panic but he tells me not to worry because he’s Steve Young (you know- famous BYU/ 49ers quarterback).

I say, “Listen, my husband is right there…. so don’t try anything.”

He puts his hand over my mouth and starts rubbing his crotch against my leg. I’m worming around trying to get away or wake Lars up, but he doesn’t budge. (Typical, “I sleep like a rock” Lars)

He whispers, “Can you feel it?” And then I sit straight up.

He’s put a giant chimp cage in the middle of the room and he’s got two, skinny, youngish men trapped inside and he’s taunting them and beating them up and also pouring colorful paint or liquid latex or something all over them (my subconscious mind borrowed that last bit directly from last week’s episode of Top Model).

We’re all screaming at him to leave the guys alone, but he just laughs, pulls out a gun and shoots the smaller one in the chest.  That’s when I woke up.

What the hell was that?

When you suck the devil’s scrotum, does he even say, “thank you” ?

Sincerely,

Tracy

It’s not enough to call this a well-written/ well delivered speech. I spent yesterday morning completely enveloped in the content – in the importance of embracing a leader who is unafraid to “go there”  (just like Degrassi: the Next Generation).

This speech was not a safe – it was not what we expected and it wasn’t what some wanted – but, it may be what we needed. It was straight-talk from a man who was willing to denounce ugly words of racism, but unwilling to denounce the friend who spoke them.

He spoke to the deep complexities held within our nation and when we’re being honest with ourselves, within our own families. I understand these complexities myself and like Obama, I’ve learned to embrace them because they are, as he said, a part of me and a part of my country.

When it was over, I woke Lars up to tell him he missed a great speech by President Obama.  In 37 minutes – he proved how desperately our nation needs a leader like him at its helm.

On a completely different note, I have to wonder if Obama hasn’t been watching The Wire on the campaign trail.  Seriously.

Behold Big Joe and…The Polka Nuts.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zc1RwP9gTg&hl=en]

You can’t even act like you don’t want to rock out to this.

What kind of “friends” decide to call into work on the same day – and not tell me before I’m sitting at my desk?

Huh?

I mean, really – I ask you.

Sheesh! Pah! Harumph!

As Stephanie Judith Tanner would say,

“How rude!”

Enjoy.

“Well, if you need help with anything or if you have anymore questions, feel free to give me a call”

and they respond with,

“Who are you again?”

That’s rude, right?

Right now I’m obsessively painting some “art” for my living room – well, not right now, right now I’m at work, but you know what I mean. Our living room has had plain-Jane walls for long enough, but I’m too impatient to wait to find or be able to afford art, so I’m making my own. I’ve done a significant amount of work in the living room, so as soon as I finish this project I’ll try to photograph everything – cos like, of course you want to see. La doy.

And so, on the theme of obsessions here are a few current ones of mine.

Damon Albarn. Sigh. Particularly his voice and his profile in silhouette at the piano. Yeow.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wq-pyIi9Edw]

The Wire. Duh. I can’t believe it’s over…and now you all have to watch it so I can talk about it.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QEHlxICU3I]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_eH0Kt4DNA]

Color Splash

David is awesome, even if his pants scare the shit out of me.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yIZmNDVSE4]

Sun Chips

Tangelos from Costco.

Kimya Dawson

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aGceewEeIw]

The Steely Dan song – Only a Fool would save that…AND this completely bizarre Youtube video.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqVtM1hax7Y]

Of course the Beales of Grey Gardens.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLt9zh7sLIQ]

Escape to Chimp Eden. Actually, between this and The Wire I think I’ve decided I’m a masochist.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwnYEsV7l3g]

Believe me when I tell you I’ve had nothing interesting to say – so really, I was being nice to you. See? See how sweet I am.

Since it’s my first post in a while here are the things I’m NOT going to talk about:

1. Tyra Banks (but, I really, really want to)

2. Project Runway… or
3. My lady bits

I’m going highbrow with this one – I want to talk about …a film.

Grey Gardens, to be specific.

Watching it I wondered if the Maysles brothers knew how exploitive it would seem to film two extremely eccentric and damaged women teetering between splendid genius and insanity. Did they know, but fall so deeply in love they couldn’t help but share these glorious women with the world?

Big and Little Edie are without question two of the most important and compelling female characters to ever grace celluloid. They seemingly hid nothing from the filmmakers or the viewer. Their tenderness in letting us into their solitary world is at once an act of desperation and bravery and I, for one fell in love after scene one.

Little Edie is my god now. Behold.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xG5baCxTtgw]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQVh0Bvn--Q]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KaN9-aWfUTE]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJBankObN0s]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWEeJbuF3bM]

Positive spin: Lars and I are finally caught up with the current season. We watched 5 episodes in a row last night alone – (It’s like crack, what do you want from me?)

Negative spin: Omar?! Really? But, I… but… really?

Driving

Positive spin: Having my own car is totally convenient.

Negative spin: Speed traps at the bottom of a big hill and the $82 ticket I just paid – they suck my balls.

Work

Positive spin: Best job I’ve ever had.

Negative spin: “Content Management” sucks my balls.

Diets

Positive spin: It’s really not that bad and I’m actually losing some blubb.

Negative spin: I would take a human life for an éclairs from The Bakery.

New TV

Positive spin: Basically this tv is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever owned.

Negative spin: Post upgrade, my Tivo won’t talk to my HD cable box…and basically a life without Tivo is not a life worth living. (At least once you’ve gotten used to it).

Positive spin 2: Melissa is going to come over tonight to work some of her super-electronic-magician voo doo on that shit. She’ll make them talk, yes, she will.

Now, for the other stuff. I should warn you that precipice for all of this borders on TMI, but then – this whole blog pretty much does that, so – whatever, you’re all grown ups, you can take it. The fertility specialist I’m seeing (the lady who started this whole “weight loss” thing) put me on birth control, which sounds…insane (at least it did to me), but her expert opinion is that being on birth control while I’m trying to lose weight will preserve and possibly enhance my fertility for when my body is actually “ready” to start makin’ the babies. She explained it much fancier and science-y-er than that – but, that’s pretty much the jist.

So, the birth control she prescribed, besides having the dumbest, most humiliating name ever given to a pharmaceutical has unleashed upon me the longest, gnarliest, horror-show like period I’ve ever had in my entire. life. As of today we’re talking 3 weeks, 5 days and 21 hours. And it’s not just the mildly inconvenient, pest that most periods are. It’s what I like to call a Dario Argento period.

This morning I met with my doctor to make sure I wasn’t going to die, basically and she assured me not. What she could not promise is that I won’t go insane. And, let me tell you people – it’s already happening. On the way to the doctor traffic was crazy, I couldn’t find a parking place, blah blah blah and after my appointment I got lost trying to find my way out of the under-construction hospital, so by the time I made it to my car I was already in an inconsolable loon state. But, then – I realized the person parked next to my driver side was parked so crooked and so far into my lane that I couldn’t walk between to open my door. Our bumpers were less than an inch apart.

I had to walk around the front and squeeze between our cars to get to my door, then I could barely open the door at all and had to squeeze inside which almost tore my coat. Something inside me completely snapped. I wanted to key their car. I wanted to take a baseball bat to the windshield. I settled for writing a chicken-scratched note on an old Wendy’s napkin, it went something like this:

Learn how to park.

You suck.

I hope you die.

Fuck you very much!

Later, when I regained my ability to think rationally I felt kind of bad. Like, this person was parked at a hospital after all. I mean, what if they are dying and I just like, totally rubbed it in. Then I thought. Whatever. Fuck them. They should learn how to park.

See? Crazy.