Jiffy Lubed: My Laparoscopy and Hysteroscopy Extravaganza

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So, Monday was the day of my surgery. I was asked to remove my nail polish, take off all of my makeup, my bra, underwear and put on the most delightfully flattering outfit of all time. No, really… don’t I look pretty?

I was interviewed several times by med students, nurses and doctors. I got my urine collected, my blood tested, my blood pressure checked (which, Ha! why do they even bother? I was so nervous my blood pressure read like I was on Crack).

I saw my actual doctor for about 4 seconds before the anesthesiologist came in and started hooking me up. I loved my anesthesiologist from the jump. He looked and sounded exactly like Virgil from Homeland.

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This, of course comforted me. It also could have been the sedative he shot into my IV. Whatever.

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He and his med student wheeled me off to the OR, which was truly a bizarre experience. I blame the fact that I used to watch ER, but there’s just something creepy about being wheeled on a gurney, watching the lights in the ceiling pass you by. Sedated or no.

When we got into the OR, I was immediately surprised by how huge the room was, how many contraptions, lights and people there were. As I shifted myself from the gurney to the surgery table I said,

“This looks like an alien abduction lab.”

To which a doctor I hadn’t met responded, “Well, I can assure you that I’m human.”

“That’s what they all say,” I said and then as a nurse gently propped my IV’d arm up, I heard Virgil say he was putting me under and BOOM. I was out.

That was around 10:30am.

The next thing I remember was very slowly waking up in the recovery room around 1pm. The nurse in the recovery area was lovely. Lord only knows the weird shit I said to her. The first exchange I actually remember went like this:

Me: I have to pee.

Nurse: I could bring you a bed pan.

Me: Noooooooooo.

I’m not sure if I really needed to pee, but my urethra felt like it was on fire, a lovely side effect from being catheterized during the surgery. My throat was also scratchy from being intubated. The ice chips and the nice nurse helped.

I honestly don’t know how long I was in the recovery room. If you told me it was 5 minutes or 6 years I would believe you. Time had no meaning at all.

As my vitals picked up, the recovery room nurse called someone, I assume the nurse who was to come and take me to my room and told her my situation. I tried really hard to pay attention because this is the first I would hear what actually happened during my surgery and what they found while they were there.

“She had a cystectomy and some polyps removed. It looks like they were planning to have to remove one of her tubes but ended up not needing to do that.”

Honestly, I’d prepared myself for the worst, telling myself if they had to take the tube, it was really best for my body in the longterm, but I have to admit I was relieved to hear I still had all of my parts.

Another very sweet nurse arrived and wheeled me to a new room, where I got to put on cool and very sexy mesh underwear and sit in a reclining chair and drink apple juice.

This was also when I got to be reunited with Lars. We stayed in their for another hour or so while I slowly gained enough strength back in my body and brain to try to pee, finally.

By this time, I had a new nurse and she was a rotten, old corn dawg. She was snippy and impatient and made me want to get out of there as quickly as possible.

All in all, it wasn’t as bad as I had anticipated. It was scary as shit, but once it was done and everything was okay – I was so glad to have it behind me.

I’m on my 3rd day of recovery and am doing pretty well. I stopped taking the narcotics they gave me yesterday because they were making me feel blergy and I’ve felt much better since then. I’m definitely sore and slow, but I’m puttering around like a champ now.

Mostly, I’m exhausted. I feel like I’ve never been so tired in my entire life. I sleep for hours, wake up for a few and sleep again and I never quite feel like it’s enough. I know from sleeping through most of an episode of Dr. Oz (or Dr. Fucker as I like to call him) this morning that your body does all of it’s best rejuvenating,  detoxifying, etc… while you’re asleep – so, I’m just letting my body do it’s thing.

Speaking of which… snoooooorrrrrrre