Jiffy Lube

Oh hey, remember me? I’m the lady who was once really good at blogging.

It’s been hard to know what to say the past few weeks. I’m not typically into spilling a lot of my real emotional or physical business here – at least not since the early 2000s. BUT, I don’t really have anything else to talk about, so here goes.

I’m having surgery. Oh, how I wish it were a boob-lift or something optional and fun, but no – it’s just regular ol’ exploratory laparoscopy to see what some shadowy “something” is behind my left ovary. Could be a cyst, could be a blocked tube? Could be a Mad Ball or an alien or remnants of my congenital twin?  All I know at this point is that it’s probably gross and definitely rude.

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Cuterus the Adorable Uterus Pillow from NiceRice on Etsy

After two trans-vaginal ultrasounds (oh, those old, sexy things?) my doctor, who is painfully brilliant and adorable gave me two courses of action: I could do this weird test where they shoot dye through my fallopian tubes to check for any blockages OR she could jab a camera into my bellybutton and find out for sure what was what and just “take care of it.” The dye option sounded better, but if it didn’t show a blockage, she would still need to do a surgery to figure out what was what. Ultimately it just seemed less annoying to let her Jiffy Lube me and get it over with.

Oh yes… I also have a few very small polyps. One in my uterus and one at the top of my cervix,  (What? You wanted to know) so she’s also going to shove a camera into my cervix and cut those out while she’s at it.

I’m hoping the aesthetician shoves an apple into my mouth just to complete the whole pig on a spit visual I have going in my head.

All of this will be taking place a week from Monday. I’m so lucky.

Here is what I’m obsessing over:

The fact that I won’t be able to wear nail polish on the day of surgery. I realize this seems stupid, but I rely pretty heavily on the color/ sparkle therapy that nail polish provides.
Not being able to wear it the day of the surgery is kind of okay, but knowing that I won’t be able to sit up comfortably enough to paint my nails for at least a few days after, thus having to look at sad, naked nails for three or four days fills me with dread. Crazy.

Being anesthetized. What if I never wake up? What if I fart? I’m a control freak, people – how can I let things happen to my body, while I’m not there? It gives me the wigs.

The internet horror stories of women who went in for a simple procedure like this and their doctors found cancer all over their junk and they wake up to learn they’ve had a hysterectomy. Yes, I’ve already banned myself from reading the google, but guys – I read a story about this 8 years ago and I never forgot.

What if it really is my congenital twin and they remove her and I wake up nicer? How horrible.

 

 

 

  • Angie

    I will come over and paint your nails for you afterwards and make you smoothies. I love you! If removing your congenital twin makes you nicer, we can ask them to put her back in.

  • Melissa

    I will too! Angie and I will be your spa ladies! I will also bring you lots of shows and maybe even take a shower! I think Angie and I need to start preparing our sparkly spa costumes now.

  • Melissa

    WOW! I meant that I would take a shower before I come over, so that I wouldn’t stink, but if you want me to shower at your place, I mean, if it makes you happy, I would do it. I would.

  • Melissa

    I am so anti-stuff happening in my body in a hospital. I can reallllly feel you here. But you are just getting your spring cleaning on. You are gonna have the freshest uterus! It’ll probably start rapping and beat boxing and stuff. That’s how fresh it will be.

  • Angie

    We should probably just shower at her house. I think it would cheer Tracy up a lot. Right? I mean, right? I know it would cheer me up.

  • lateshoes

    It will be so fresh and so clean… clean. I hope it feels kind of minty.

  • lateshoes

    Thanks, friends. You can spa me right up!

  • Shannon

    How do I get in on this nail-painting thing? 🙂

  • Tracy

    Dude, just come on ova’. Hopefully I won’t be too insane after a day or two.