Lateshoes

Since September I’ve been going to the (gag) (cough) gym. A lot. Like on the regular and it’s weird. I don’t love it and if I were tiny and naturally healthy-ish, the gym could suck sweaty balls – but, that not being the case, I’ve learned to embrace it.

Embrace may be strong, but I’ve definitely gotten used to it and I definitely like feeling stronger and like my heart isn’t going to explode when I walk up 3 flights of stairs.

All that said, today I experienced something that can only be described with horror and dismay. While changing in the locker room I saw something I can never unsee. I saw an elderly woman’s hoo-ha in unparalleled detail. She took off her pants and plopped down on a stool in front of me. Wha? Wha??! Why? Why did she put her nekkid, sweaty fanny on the stool and why did she try to carry on a conversation with me with her vag in my face?

It was kind of surreal.

I kind of want to draw you a picture, but Angie asked me not to.

I miss you. We had good times, didn’t we?

I’ve been in a bit of a slump lately. My growing list of tasks and chores have been steadily weighing me down and bumming me out. Naturally, I’ve been acting the way any self-respecting 35 year old woman would act – I’ve been reading a lot of Gawker and PeopleofWalmart.com. Okay – maybe not reading.

But, no more! Closet? I’m going to clean you. Back room? Lars is totally going to start organizing your ass. Unanswered Etsy emails? I’m going to answer you. Omar? I’m going to shove you in a box and walk you to the FedEx Kinkos. Etsy orders? I’m going to mail you. Gym? I’m going to put on my sweatpants and elliptical-ize my butt off.  Mounds of work tasks I’ve been avoiding? You can suck it, cos I’m going to do you too. Yeah…you heard me.

On the agenda for tomorrow – Christmas decorations. Look out, bitches – I’ve been unleashed.