Lateshoes

I honestly think – after many long cycles of entertainment, I’m going to have to give Ty Tyra Banks and America’s Next Top Model the fucking boot. It’s not so much that she kicked off my favorite contestant or even that all 4 of the remaining contestants are the most retarded, phony assholes I’ve ever seen. It’s mostly that Ty Baby showed us all just how ignorant, oblivious, empty and arrogant she really is when she bestowed her “parting wisdom” with said contestant.

Immediately after the episode ended I turned to Lars and said – “Ya, know, I think I am really done with this show.” I never thought the day would come.

See Melissa’s post on the same topic here.

Rasterbator

I now know exactly how my brother-in-law made that totally sweet, wall-sized poster of those nice ladies kissing. I think I’d be more inclined to print out this David Bowie picture myself – but, yeah that’s just me.

What would you rasterbate?

It fits! Thank you Gap! Now start carrying your XXL sizes in your stores. That is all.

So, last week, after seeing my beautiful and pregnant friend Melissa’s new maternity coat from the Gap, I decided to look at the Gap online for a similar coat. (While I do lack a certain amount of pride– straight up jacking my friend’s coat is just beyond the pale – even if my self image is in the shitter). I found a similar coat in different color within their non-pregger wears – and in a moment of impulse and desperation I pulled the trigger – just hoping the damn thing would fit.

In theory, it should. But, as any chubby girl can tell you, not all “XLs” or 2X or 4Xs are the same. I tried on Melissa’s maternity coat in XL and it fit, but was a little bit snug in the bust. According to Gap’s website whatever size you wear in their regular line will be your size in maternity wear. So, it stands to reason that if I order their XXL coat, which is almost identical in shape – it should fit me, right? I’m really hoping so, because (a) it’s snowing like crazy right now and I really need a coat that doesn’t make me feel like a giant turd squeezed into a tube sock and (b) my ego can’t handle the rejection just now.

I mean, I don’t know if you know what it’s like out there, trying to find a cute, flattering, fashionable, “hip” coat – when you’re chubby. In fact I know you don’t – unless you are another “plus sized” fashionista, but for the rest of you it’s somewhere in between hauling The Ring back to Mordor and having your rectum probed by Carrot Top.

The coat I ordered:

Melissa’s cute coat:

While I’m ranting – Target has all sorts of cute coats right now that supposedly run up to XXL, but after trying a few of them on, I realized that their idea of “XXL” deserved quotes around it. They were sooo tiny. So, I thought I would check the “big girl section” and sadly, but not to my surprise the only coat design that found its way into the fatty club was the most HIDEOUS granny coat in the world with a faux fur collar. Fuck you, Target. I mean, see for yourself. Would it kill them to make that blue one in a bigger size? I mean, they didn’t hesitate in skinning some extra cats in China for that fugly granny coat and there’s no blue fabric shortage that I know of, so what gives?

Whaaat the fuuuuck?

Anyway, because I’m such a fatso whale, I’ve been relegated to shopping “exclusively” online…or is it “online exclusively”…you know just in case I feel badly about not being able to try anything on until after they’ve got my money in their pockets. I’d like to boycott this type of consumer fascism, but let’s face it, I need clothes and so I will take them any way I can get them.

I bought this very cute dress from Old Navy in both brown and black …and are you seated? I bought…jeans. For the first time in 6 years – I will own a pair of pants. Will I wear them? Will they fit? All inconsequential – because I will at long last, at least OWN some. Observe.

After the day I had – I really just wanted to crawl into a ball and cry myself to sleep. It really wasn’t that bad and if I were in the mood to be honest with myself I would admit that at least 80 percent of my bad day is my own fault: I was lazy and unprepared. So, there you go.

It’s just that lately I’ve been feeling so self-conscious and let’s face it – hideous and I’m projecting all of these horrible scenarios as to why I feel so rejected right now – and it’s totally taking up all of the space in my brain. See – self-hatred takes up a lot space on the ol’ hard drive. (When I’m in a better mood – you can totally give me shit for that statement).

It’s really pathetic and I don’t want to write about it at all, because it’s (a)lame and (b) I’m too tired to cultivate my words meaningfully enough to avoid sounding like a baby.

I just feel low. Being off of birth control has done a cliched “number” on me. I haven’t really gained any weight, but my body has started to rebel by redistributing my chub to the most unflattering places possible. I’m beginning to take on the shape of …the dreaded TOMATO. My skin – ugh, it’s hard to even talk about, because while I type this, there are no less than 14 spots on my face that really need my attendance, so yeah – if you don’t mind.

Yesterday, in a fit of self-loathing, I chopped off my bangs with some Ikea kitchen scissors. I thought about just going to the salon, but then I would have to sit there, staring at myself in that awful, full-length mirror for a whole hour and I honestly couldn’t take it. That’s so bad and wrong and completely unlike me and it’s pissing me off.

Where’s my fucking power animal?

See? Now don’t you wish I’d just gone to bed like a good girl?

Too tired to write, too dumb to care. Enjoy this cuteness instead.

Shhh! We’ll pretend I only spent these 2 dollars and not the sheshem-hunnin-sumpin I spent at Ikea this afternoon. We’ve still got a few things to buy and a few things to set up, but stay tuned for pictures of our actually livable living room and bedroom in the very near future.

I graduated the summer before hurricane Andrew hit south Florida, but it looks exactly the same in this video. So, yeah – take a peak at my hood. I totally used to be a host for B-TV (Bronco Television). Weird.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7MYRnIw318&rel=1]

Stolen from Evil Pink Cupcake!

1. Who is your man?
I can’t really claim ownership, but my sweetheart is the one and only, Lawrence Duke Medley III.

2. How long have you been together?
Since 2001. Almost 7 years.

3. How long did you date?
4 years before we got hitched. though we “lived in sin” for 3 of those.

4. How old is your man?
He just turned 32

5. Who eats more?
Probably me. Look, chubby girls gots to eats

6. Who said “I love you” first?
I think he did, though I think it was more in the “I’m falling in love with you” genre.

7. Who is taller?
He is, by like a million feet.

8. Who sings better?
Probably me.

9. Who is smarter?
We’re both pretty smart and I would never sell myself or my contribution to our relationship short, but he’s pretty much brilliant.

10. Whose temper is worse?
On the road? His.

11. Who does the laundry?
We both do…though he usually finishes it.

12. Who takes out the garbage?
He does.
13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed?
My right or your right?… He sleeps on my left, your right.
14. Who pays the bills?
Me

15. Who is better with the computer?
I’m proud to say this is the one area of MY expertise.
16. Who mows the lawn?
He does. Fuck that shit. I’m a delicate flower.

17. Who cooks dinner?
Usually me, but he CAN cook…it’s just like he’s got the cow for free now, or whatever
18. Who drives when you are together?
We take turns

19. Who pays when you go out?
All of the people sitting around us who after witnessing our awesomeness, then have to feel badly about themselves.

20. Who is most stubborn?
Uhhhhhhh

21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong?
Uh, me.

22. Whose parents do you see the most?
His, mine sadly live very far away.

23. Who kissed who first?
He kissed me in the Century 16 parking lot

24. Who asked who out?
He asked me out for like a year before I pulled my head out of my ass and chased him down.

25. Who proposed?
He did. I was in my underwear. It was romantic.

26. Who is more sensitive?
Me – but, he has his moments

27. Who has more friends?
Everyone loves Lars

28. Who has more siblings?
We have an equal number of siblings

29. Who wears the pants in the family?
He wears the literal pants, but the metaphorical pants? Who the hell do you think??

Live from Lars’ parent’s house in St. George.

It’s 12:58 and we’ve finally settled in after a drive that can only be described as butt-raping hell. I know – I know – we were on the road too, but, shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, dude. We should have known when the whole evening began with some sleazy dude, parking across the street and watching us pack up our car, while probably giving our address to his house robbing comrades on his hands-free cell phone. “Yeah, dude – these suckers are totally going to drive away and get stuck on the highway for like 9 million hours.”

After receiving extremely intimidating “hard” looks from both Lars and myself, said sleazebag, promptly sped away. Not a great sign.

Aaaaaanyway, as promised I plan to address the “7 things” tag I received at the beginning of the week and as a bonus, will answer Mark’s “Desert Island top 10 movies” tag. So, here goes:

7 Things about me:

1. Sometimes I panic when I’m in public alone. Suddenly I turn from an intelligent, independent woman into Babbling, Bumbling Bernice. I drop things, stammer and generally start acting squirrelly. It only happens randomly, but it’s embarrassing nonetheless.

2. I’ve been searching for the perfect winter coat for 5 years…but, still haven’t found it.

3. I say lots of stupid shit I wish I didn’t say….all the time, but, really – if you’re reading this blog then you know that.

4. I obsessively buy beauty products (cleansers, moisturizers, make-up etc…) I literally cannot be stopped in a Walgreens.

5. I usually only like and feel “pretty” in two or so outfits at a time. Causing me to wear those outfits until I absolutely hate them.

6. Despite my claims to the contrary, I totally care what people think.

7. I will kick yous asses if you tell anyone any of this.

Desert Island Top 10 Movies (right this very second)

(In no particular order)

1. The Big Lebowski – “Well, that’s just like you’re opinion, man.”

2. The Royal Tenenbaums/ Rushmore (I can’t decide)

3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

4. Manhattan

5. GlenGarry Glen Ross (“Coffee’s for closers!)…and just for Tawnya… “I don’t care whose nephew you are…whose dick you’re suckin’ on…”

6. Lost in Translation - I’m a sucker for ennui, what can I say?

7. The Deer Hunter. “This is this. This ain’t somethin’ else. This is this.” “Diggy MOW!!”

8. Reservoir Dogs. “Say the goddamn words…you’re gonna be oookaaay!”

9. Jumpin’ Jack Flash

10. Hedwig and the Angry Inch

I tag: Melissa, Lisa, Kinza and Carolyn.