Lateshoes

I should be doing work right now and I really plan on it, I swear. It would help if I could stop daydreaming about the stupid Macbook. (Shh! don’t tell it, I said that). I just want to love it and kiss it and type on it. If loving the Macbook is wrong, I don’t want to be right. I’d just like to stop loving it from a distance.
My friend Lisa and I are seriously considering writing a “romance” novel together. A). Because they’re huge sellers and generally not as complicated to write and B.) they’re hilarious, which makes the prospect of taking on such a task, much for fun than daunting.
In order to get a feel for them, we’ve been reading them. Holy shit. Some are certainly better than others and we’ve really only been reading the “best selling”/ “award winning” books so far, but still.
They are crazy and the more I read, the harder I actually think writing one will be. The stories are simple, but not too simple. The characters are cliché, but not too cliché, so there’s really quite a fine line.
Interestingly (or not so, if you actually know my husband, who is about 10 million times more “highbrow” than myself), Lars has been reading classics lately. He recently finished George Eliot’s, Middlemarch, which is a phenomenal book and it got me thinking that the great divide between “light” literature and great literature is tragedy. Romance novels may very well begin in tragic circumstances (a failed or abusive marriage, poverty, etc…) but, the book’s purpose is to tell the story of the end to that tragedy, whereas classic literature tends to tell tell the tale of the tragedy itself. Middlemarch, for example, ends well enough for at least one of the protagonists, but it takes some 700 pages to get there and as a reader you’re wiped out (deliciously wiped out, but it’s exhausting to watch characters make devistating choices time and again).
It seems to me, that the exact opposite purpose is true of the romance. As a reader, you are never meant to feel pain, only antisipation and satisfaction. It’s truly a strange genre.

Since I’m on the mega-rag of all mega-rags, I have no intention of doing any work today. I’ve been reading crazy shit on IMDB about the Omen III, which I watched last night before going to bed. First, let me say that the Omen III sucks major balls and wimps out every time it’s about to get good (i.e. when the chick is about to iron her baby and at the very end, the biggest cop out of all, after Damian gets stabbed a giant Jesus appears and bible verses are splayed across the screen…but, like Damian didn’t even really start any shit yet…so, what the hell?) Ok, well, anyway there’s this really weird sex scene where Damian is banging this chick who looks like Katherine Hepburn’s bastard tranny child. They’re having some standard missionary sex when Damian suddenly wigs, flips her over violently and pretty clearly “puts one in the stink,” as they say. So, there’s this huge debate on the message boards about whether or not he actually “sodomized” her. C’mon people…he’s the son of Satan…is it really so hard to believe? Not to mention the fact that while he’s doing it, he’s babbling about “knowing pain” and “showing [her] pain.” Hello.
Well, ok, but it gets even better because according to folks who have read the subsequent novel,The Omen IV: The Abomination… the lady is totally knocked up and when she delivers the baby…IT COMES OUT OF HER BUTT!!! She has a literal “butt baby” with the son of Satan. Awesome!

1. FIRST NAME? Tracy

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? I can’t remember, I don’t think so. I think my mom just wanted a name that couldn’t be shortened. Of course she then proceeded to call my “Tray” my whole life. “Tray” and “Fred” (because I had/have “Fred Flintstone toes”). Thanks mom.

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? When the ladies on the Starting Over house built a house for Habitat for Humanity and the dad who was getting the house started crying. I can’t see men cry, I tells ya.

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?Not really, though I like it when I think it looks like my mom’s.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? I don’t really enjoy the words, “LUNCH MEAT,” but I like roast beef and pastrami and capacolla ham.

6. KIDS? Dogs and cats. Someday kids. Although, yesterday I, in all seriousness almost went to war with the 8 year old next door. He had been outside SCREAMING for about 3 hours and I finally had to let the dogs out to pee…and of course they started barking at the little bastard (he’s been known to squirt them with water pistols and throw things at the fence toward them (including pruning sheers that he’s parents left lying around in the yard)). So, I let the dogs out and they’re barking and the kid says to his parents that we “shouldn’t be ALLOWED to let the dogs outside.” What? We shouldn’t be able to let our dogs out in our own yard? Stupid 8 year old! Where are they supposed to pee, besides on your stupid face?! It took every bit of strength in my body not to run outside, grab the little snot and yell, “YOU’RE PARENTS SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO LET YOOOUUU OUTSIDE, YOU LITTLE BASTARD!” Instead I opened all of the windows to the back and side of our house facing theirs and played at maximum volume the most abrasive, hard core punk records, spewing as many “F” words as I could find in our collection, until he finally got scared and went back inside.
This incident has made me question my ability to deal with children.

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I’d be a fool not too, who wouldn’t be friends with a grown woman who seriously wants to fight an 8 year old?

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? I have a blog. It’s like a journal that strangers get to read.

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? What do you think?

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? I do.

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Yes, for money. I will bungee jump for $160,000 bucks. Someone find me a sponsor.

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I like cinnamon toast crunch a lot….and also Banana Nut Crunch…Crunch is apparently key.

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Never. I’m a lazy, lazy bitch.

14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Does strong willed count?…. (I have to steal Anita’s answer here)

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Cookies n’ Cream / Peanut Butter Chocolate

16. SHOE SIZE? 6 1/2 – 7

17. RED OR PINK? Pink phone

18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? the chubby stomach and the lack of discretionary funds

19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? The crew of the Battlestar Galactica. (I’m going to steal Angie’s answer here!)

20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Whatev.

21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? I’m wearing a black skirt and black converse.

22. LAST THING YOU ATE? coffee and a donut. I’m like a cop.

23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? a mix that I made for my friends Jimi and Karen.

24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? fuchsia

25. FAVORITE SMELL? rain, bar-b-q, money

26. FAVORITE SPORT TO PLAY? roller skating

31. EYE COLOR? brown/ green when I’m angry or sad

32. HAT SIZE? head size. Do people really know their hat size?

33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? yep

34. FAVORITE FOOD? steak from the grill. We really need a bar-b-q grill so we can give back our neighbor’s little table top one that we’ve had for like a month now. Also home-made mashed potatoes with fresh chives and sour cream… and also I make a pretty mean curry. Mmm curry.

36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIES? Uhhhhhhh…. An Inconvenient Truth? I think.

37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? navy

38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer and Winter both suck goats. I like Autumn and spring. The shortest seasons in the great state of Utah.

39. HUGS OR KISSES? We have to choose now? I’ll take both, please.

40. FAVORITE DESSERT? ice cream

41. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Is Tucker Carlson gay?

42. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Ann Coulter

43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? That’s a funny question actually. I’m reading “Secrets of a Summer Night” by Lisa Kleypas.
My friend Lisa “Not Kleypas” and I are planning to write a romance novel…which means we have to read some first. Here’s what I’ve learned so far; she who uses the word “sardonic” the most times wins.

44. WHAT’S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Um, it’s 2006…we don’t use no stinking mouse pads.

45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Starting Over house and a Discovery Times documentary about how the American government has enslaved us to the oil industry even though we have all of the technology we need to live independently of it. Now why would they do that? I can’t think of one link between Big Oil and the American Gov- oh, wait!

46. FAVORITE SOUNDS? The sound of my bank account having money in it…and clicky keyboard noises.

47. ROLLING STONE OR BEATLES? Stones pre-Tales from the Crypt era and the Beatles are both totally dope unto me. (I will steal Angie’s answer again here).

48. THE FURTHEST YOU’VE BEEN FROM HOME? Iran.

49. WHAT’S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? Not punching stupid 8 year olds or they’re stupid parents. Not yelling the “F” word at stupid 8 year olds and also not kicking stupid 8 year olds in the stomach and chopping up their stupid 8 year old bodies to feed to my dogs.

50. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Miami Beach/ sometime in 1974

I’m getting pissed off like a child right now because I still have no sound on Youtube when I use Firefox and nothing at all when I use IE… AND myspace decided like, at the most inconvenient time ever to upgrade all their videos to FLASH 9…and I only have FLASH 8 and no “administrative priviliges” at work to make the upgrade and no internet at home and I just want to watch the fucking Battlestar season 3 trailer, you cunts!
That Eureka show on Sci Fi last night was literally taking my life…and I waited and I waited and I just happened to flip it right when they showed the damn thing.
Fucking Keen Eddie, son of a bitch.

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

It’s been one of those weeks. We have about 8 bucks in the bank (that’s after selling a bunch of cd’s…again). Yes, poor us. Inspired by (if you laugh, I will hunt you down and beat you until you cry out of your butt)…”Oprah’s Debt Diet” we decided to take a relentless look at our finances and what we’ve found is pretty stupid. We’re in debt, we spend more than we make and my 401k ain’t making jack shit because I can’t contribute to it. So, I’ve been obsessing over our bank statements finding waste in our spending to find funds that would be better spent paying down our credit cards and opening a supplementary retirement fund for me. I’ve been reading Fortune magazine you guys. Fortune magazine! Fuck.
There’s also the reality that my job is in no way fulfilling. It would be one thing to have a lame ass job, getting paid what I’m worth, but having a lame ass job that I make shit at, is entirely another.
I’ve been writing for New West, which has really helped me get back on the writing horse and back on the track I was on 7 years ago when I thought I knew what I wanted to do. I’ve applied to be the new editor for the SLC page (only a part-time position), but there are no guarantees about that…and I know that the uncertainty about whether I’m going to get that position or not is weighing heavy right now too. I know that if I really want to get back into writing full time that I need to develop my skills and get more experience. This would be a phenomenal way to do that, so it’s important, but I’m trying not to make it too important.
I had an empiphany about why I gave up writing 7 years ago and it had so much to do with my own bullshit insecurity it’s embarrassing. I had been interning at a local Weekly and doing some freelance stuff for them right after I graduated college. I was totally on track and it seemed that everything was falling into place when the editor asked me to apply for a copy editing position. I applied, didn’t hear anything for a while, that editor quit and the new editor hired someone else (someone related to the publisher, I might add). It was an enormous blow. Mostly because they never even told me. I just had to figure it out. I was too insecure at the time to realize that it had nothing to do with me…and I just gave up. It’s one of the stupidest, most embarrassing choices I’ve ever made. It sent me into to a tailspin of no job, not leaving the house during daylight hours and not talking to anyone (except on the fucking internet) for almost a year. These days we call that depression. Back then, I just thought of it as re-grouping. I don’t want to have regrets about that time and in a way I don’t…it was emerging from that depression that got me writing music and got Angie and I to start our band, which led us to create U.G.G.L.I.E.S., which led us to getting the radio show on KRCL and so on and so on and so on. That depression also meant that I was far enough off the map that getting a job at a local bookstore was a saving grace and without that job, I would have never met Lars. So, fuck…yeah, now that I’m really thinking about it…I don’t regret a goddamn thing.

It seems that Salt Lake, American Idol contestant, Daniel “DJ” Boyd has been indicted for producing child pornography, having sex with a 14 year old girl and making some of the crappiest music ever posted on myspace.
This dude loves himself so much he has TWO myspace pages. On this one, you can donate to his “defense fund” if you feel so motivated, though I’d be more inclined to donate to a fund dedicated to kicking his ass so hard that his balls finally drop.

I’ve listened to Hall & Oates, “Maneater” 38 times in a row so far and there’s really no stopping me at this point. I’m sorry, but the opening bass line is the ever-living shit.
I’m already lusting over the next pair of skates I want to get. I’m totally embarrassed, but like, ok…I do need the ankle support of a boot…okay, mom are you satisfied? Now that I’m practicing and getting better, I’m finding that one actually can move their ankles or in my case, cankles in ways which might lead to snapping. Sigh.
The question now is…money (anyone want to lend me 135 bucks so I can recreate?) and whether I want black or white. My usual instinct is black, but now that I’ve watched 97 roller skating films set in the 70′s, I’m really feeling nostalgic for the classic nerd white boots. What do y’all think?
Perhaps I’ll have a poll.
Anyway, my very first cell phone finally broke on Friday, which meant I had to spend money on a new phone, which I was absolutely NOT expecting. I still feel slightly guilty, even though I didn’t get something extravagant and awesome like a TRIO of the A-900. So, the long and short is that I am now the proud owner of a pink cell phone. It’s pink and shiny and it takes pictures!!